Jus Saying


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I woke early today and stared at my oil portrait I had done by my neighbor Alfaro in 2009. I started asking it questions. I know I’m weird sometimes.

Wanting answers to why I always chose men in my life that either loved me too much or not enough.

Men that could not keep their dicks in their pants for one reason or the other. They always felt the grass had to be greener on the other side.
Like the monkey on a limb, they would not let go until they had a firm hold on someone new.

Like the saying goes “One thing leads to another”

I have been there.

I am far from perfect.

I wanted a man in my life that could possibly fulfill 3 things, namely intellect which also consisted of trust, honesty, compassion, a need to be physically spent, and if at all a feasible option of being financially stable.

Most of these 3 options have eluded me throughout my life.

Then I really looked at the portrait staring so intently back at me.

Most persons who know me would describe me as a very compulsive personality with a need to be always right.
At least a person who got the last word in whether it be right or wrong.

Most likely it could be said that throughout my life I did pretty much what I wanted.
At times I have been known to be very hard-headed,very stubborn and set in my way. I did not care about consequence of action.

According to this quote and my dad always saying it…
“A hard head makes a soft behind” ~goes years back from when children would be stubborn (or) hard-headed and disobey their parents in which case they got spankings (aka) a soft behind.”

This has gotten me in many holes in the sidewalk so too speak.

There’s a Hole in my Sidewalk
by Portia Nelson

I. I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am LOST…I am HELPLESS
It isn’t my FAULT.
It takes forever to find my way out.
II. I walk down the street
There is a deep HOLE in the sidewalk
I pretend I don’t see it
I FALL in again…
I can’t believe I’m in the same place
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.I walk down the same street
There is a deep HOLE in the sidewalk
I see it is there
I see it is there.
I still FALL in…it’s a HABIT…but my eyes are open
I KNOW where I am
It is my FAULT
I GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.

IV. I walk down the same street
There is a deep HOLE in the sidewalk
I WALK AROUND IT.
V. I WALK DOWN ANOTHER STREET!!!:)

After rereading I wrote this on 3/7/11

My path has been one of many highs and lows.Unforeseen pebbles;and at times boulders strewn in front of me.

I fell in many holes in my side-walk of discovery.

I chose to get out, to avoid those holes.

I was involved with some for the wrong reasons~ Now I am not involved for the right reasons

There are no Holes in my sidewalk.

Fall into enough of the holes in the sidewalks of life and you may become whole.
Through the lessons of the holes of life, you approach wholeness.
Becoming whole means striving to be all that you can be. All potentialities are explored.
You know what you do, and why you do it.
Choices are made, and you are responsible for these choices.
The holes in the sidewalk are actually invitations to grow.

I have also been very determined to get out, to crawl if need be.

My home life in the early years was very inconsistent.
My parents never seemed to be in agreement on many things.
This resulted in my tendency to not make any decisions.

My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, my Dad was very much into the John Bircher Society. My grandparents were Freemasons.

I started out with “The Flow” “Anyway the wind blows”, this has stuck with me throughout life.
Never a plan so too speak.

I married and had my only child at 19 years of age.She is an adult now with her own issues concerning how her parents raised her.

This thing called “Life” is what happens. It happens to all of us, some sooner than others.

The journey, the realizations, the questions of immortality never seem to come to some. Others,it seems like a light has went off and it has lit up everything that was hidden away in the darkness.

Looking at my portrait, I see someone saying “Can you really see me ?”

Do you know that suffering of any person or animal brings tears to my eyes ?

Do you realize how much I care for the person who is down and seemingly out ?

Is it apparent too you how I do put myself in another’s shoes and walk there walk on many occasions ?

That’s the way it is.

My parents raised me the best they could with the light they had to see with.

Holding, folding, anyway the wind blows.

I also have to ask myself why I was so insecure in recent years ? Why I felt I needed this Gemini man in my life ?

He was inconsistent, insecure, he accused me of things, insinuated and said derogatory remarks. He would always say “I know you have someone else”. He was the one that always had someone else.

He tried to project what he does, feels and thinks on too me and I did not like it. After all I have my own thoughts and feelings, I do not need anyone else’s.

Invalidation, is what I am talking about and he just did NOT get it.

I am so thankful that HE is in my past.

I am thankful for the lessons learned.

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