“The fires that burn us are the ones we learn from. The ashes are what we rise from.”
Quote Copyright ©2012 Cynthia Martz
The 23 rd. of this month is a one year anniversary of sorts for me. It was the last night said “N” spent the night with me. The sex that had me caught in his clutches and control for nearly six years had dissipated. It was like an epiphany. I knew the next morning when he left, that the part of our lives that had always had The SEX to fall back on was finished. It would take me another half of a year to finally cut all ties. A few weeks prior to this he asked to move in, and that he loved only me and wanted to marry me. I refused adamantly.
It was a week after his latest son’s first birthday. I called him. His message picked up. Just as well, because what I had to say would dissolve any and all future contact. I knew this. I spoke quietly but did not waver.
I told him to never call, never come to see me ever again. Then I added that I had been a fool to pay for his girlfriends pregnancy problems with the one they lost. Not four months later she got pregnant again. We continued on. It was if she didn’t exist and it was just him and I as it always had been.
The last part of my message I told him to forget all the money he owed me. I told him it just was not worth the slow trickle of payments I was receiving. Believe me when I say this part was hard. I had loaned him a nice chunk of dollars. I did it to help him and I still loved him back then. I now realize that holding on just so I could get paid eventually was ridiculous. It allowed him access to my life and my life was finally owned by me again. Nothing about my life was any of his concern nor business then and most importantly now.
I heard through the grapevine that he moved in with his son and his baby mama’s family. His daughter is raising three children, going on four in the house he had lived in. She is barely in her 20’s. Having a father figure who had seven children with various women, never marrying any of them set a fine example it seems. At least his daughter’s children are by the same father.
In reading other blogs I quote from Sarah Tate~Perfect Analogy
Your Cluster B is probably already cultivating another relationship by now, but still he/she will not release you from their clutches.
“Once your Cluster B realizes you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing. Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry.”
In describing “N” I have many descriptions…
Selfish, controlling, irresponsible, thoughtless, disrespectful, sexually exploitative, immature, a pathological liar, cruel, manipulative, deceitful, self-serving, shallow, cowardly, perverted, degenerate, unkind, loathsome, irreverent, despicable, ninny hammer.
When we first connected I loved him for his happy-go-lucky ways, his smile and laughter, the way he cared for animals and babies. The way he loved me… enticed me , made me feel so very special. Now I realize they were but ploys to get me to submit to his world.
If the saying goes “The older you get the more wisdom you acquire” I must be the definition of wisdom .
Definition of wisdom describes what successful aging is all about. It is knowing when and how to let go of what is finished, to reinvest in life, make compromises, and engage in new exciting activities.
May your journey bring you closer to the realization that you can see clearly into the void behind ANY deceiver’s mask.
You only need to look just a little harder before jumping in.