The Blessing in Starting Over

I PROMISE MYSELF

Starting Over more times than I like to recall at times. The numerous pebbles on my path, a few boulders and too many detours have led me on my journey;  through the dark and dangerous woods into the clearing that was always within my reach. I just had to grasp it, understand the simplicity of it.I will be turning 64 years on this journey on November 18 th.

I have been going through my blogs and noticing that I posted numerous things on Dark Night of the Soul, transformation and going with the flow. I am moving so fast it seems. My thoughts seem to trail off and yet come back stronger, so intense yet comprehensible if only too me Smile

My dreams have been very revealing. They show me my deep and forever love I have for my parents. I have conversations with them. This was something I missed growing up.  We lived in another era it seems.

We ate together most evenings as a family but never really knew each other. There were no overly displays of affection. I always had the notion that when I was old enough I would leave, travel, move on a whim and I did.

Many times I lived far from my roots and knew no one. Casual acquaintances became my mainstay. Now, I am acquainted with my siblings. All are still living many miles away from me. We seldom see each other. I have the means to see them, to hear them with the aid of technology. They do not seem to have the time or a cam to Skype. Something just doesn’t feel right. I want to hold them more often. Gaze into their eyes and sip a cup of Chai tea. Be silly and play childhood games.

I wonder at times if I will see them again.

I wrote this back in 2003
I believe I am related somehow to that Seagull, you know Jonathan Seagull. I just reread his story again. First off I have always felt different. Having been raised since the age of 12 as a Jehovah’s Witness it changed the course of my life in many ways. Religion has never been a past time of mine. I do believe in a higher power and  I believe that universal powers of love and compassion will be what saves us~ not religion per se’.

When I was in the eighth grade (Jr.High School) I had my first feelings of ridicule and rejection by my peers. Our class each morning scheduled a student to have a prepared quote and our interpretation of it.I remember my quote was “Two Heads are better than One” fairly self-explanatory. The part that came next was to lead the class in prayer and a salute to our National Flag.In hindsight I should have taken the responsibility of informing my teacher that I did not participate in these activities in lieu of my religious beliefs, or rather my mama’s beliefs. How embarrassing it was for me to stand there, and do nothing while the students waited. I could hear snickers and hushed laughter. The teacher walked to my side and asked if there was a problem. I said I cannot do this as it is against my religious beliefs. I was excused.

Then as I grew older I was looked upon as someone who couldn’t do most of the activities that school age kids do. There were no school dances for me or anything that would bring me into association with the in-crowd, the good kids, the popular ones. I again felt as an outcast, different from the rest.

By the time I entered High School I had become fairly popular on my own. If I couldn’t go to the dances, I would just run with a different crowd. The wild crowd. I began experimenting with the opposite sex and found that I could get my way fairly easily. I needed to hear them say just three words “I love You” and I was on to my next conquest.

During this time I was expelled, disassociated from the religion. No one in the organization could or would have anything to do with me and this was great. The only one major problem was this included my beloved sisters. My brother was too young to realize the impact being disfellowshipped had on a person. In this regard I barely know him.

Since our dad died he has stayed in contact with his sisters. I married as soon as I graduated, had a daughter, went back to the so-called “TRUTH”, and was eventually disfellowshipped again. First time fornication,second adultery, the third time was the charm. My offense was smoking cigarettes.

I traveled to Europe with my husband and small child. My family at the time knew little about my where a bouts and I survived without them in my life. I missed them, but I survived.

I became involved with anything to take my mind off my life, my non-existent caring family. Drugs and alcohol became my religion. I was very faithful to these vices.

After divorcing my husband and being at the time a bad influence on my beloved daughter; I left her with her dad in 1980 and moved cross-country. I saw my parents one time in 1981,they visited me when my daughter had come out for the summer. I did not see and rarely heard from them for the next 12 years. They had excused, rejected and expelled me once again from there lives. My mama asked me many years later in 93 when they had received permission to associate with family members why I had been so bad. I almost laughed at her. How can one feel loved or even lovable when their own parents disown them? She told me there was not a sunrise or sunset that she didn’t wonder how I was and if  I were safe, alive even. I was cut off, cut out of their life like a bad moldy piece of cheese.
The Perils of being Disfellowshipped

I sought love elsewhere, and in many wrong avenues. I am not blaming my parents. My father passed and as of this writing my mama has shunned all three of her daughters once again as of August 31st 2002.

It has been a long year~ one of growth and reflection. I have grown in love and compassion and I do my utmost to overlook other’s flaws. I try to respect their beliefs whatever they may be and however distant it takes us apart. I treasure the years when they were back in my life.

We were a family once again like old times. My sisters and my baby brother and I have become acquainted and find that we  really are very lovable people and that no one can take that from us. Unconditional love has taken on a whole new meaning to me.

Like Jonathan we sometimes have to step away from some one else’s so-called normal world and do our own thing.

Dance to our own music.

Everyone’s heart doesn’t always beat to the same melody.
And that’s just fine with me.

Written by “zimba” Cynthia Martz© 2003

Easter

1958

I am a Scorpio Sun (November 18, 1948)

Gemini Moon

But I am really RISING Aquarius

Notes:

You come across as quite a cool and distant sort of person. You prefer to look at life from an impersonal point of view and therefore find it easy to get along with all sorts of different people.

You may even have a posture that leans slightly backwards and your body language tells other people not to come too close.

You require a lot of space and freedom of movement –
you don’t like reporting on your every move.

You have plenty of originality and your style of dressing reflects this most appropriately. Being different does, however, attract attention, ironically the very thing you dislike so much.

It is not surprising that much of your outward appearance, or the way you present yourself to others is determined by the Rising Sign

Aquarius: The best quality of Aquarius is your humanitarian attitude. The worst quality is argumentativeness. A key phrase is “I know.” Aquarian are seen as progressive. When we speak of the Age of Aquarius, we are speaking of a period beginning now and extending into the future, with all the possibilities the future has to offer. Aquarian may be well-informed or even visionary in your thinking. You may not be grounded in the practical application of your ideas. Focused on a universal goal, you may not attend to the needs of individuals in ordinary circumstances.

Aquarian have advanced ideas. You are original and scientific in your methods, and you are strongly interested in education, for yourself and for others. You often prefer to learn through conversation with others, rather than through straight book studies. There is an unconventional quality in your thinking – you can take apples and oranges and make something greater of you.

Aquarians are generally pleasant, but you are also assertive. Your determination can turn to argument when you don’t get your way, and you can be unsympathetic to the views of others. Your temperament is affected by the world outside yourself, and can become cranky at times, or even rebellious. Your usual cheerful manner and understanding of human nature make you skillful social beings, but you may be somewhat reclusive, needing a lot of private time to think things through.

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Author: cryominute

In my mind are the castles of a realm unseen Come, join me on my flight