Tempered Memories

mama's_dolls

Mama’s Dollies

© Cynthia Martz 2013

In a post earlier I mentioned how I was the kind of Scorpio that stung others for the thrill of the sting. It hurt me in hide sight. It damaged family relationships and relationships I was involved with emotionally.

My heart couldn’t or would not see the harm I was instigating.

The only thing I thought about was getting even, that no one was going to get anything over on me. Over the years I put myself totally in the middle of situations that could and indirectly alter my existence.

I just had the attitude “Whatever” and “Anyway the Wind cares to blow is fine with me”

In actuality I was an entity unto myself. I cared only about Me, Me,Me.  A selfish and conceited way of life because I felt so  not normal. My upbringing left me without friends unless they were of the same religion.

I became a loner. That has stuck with me throughout my life. I make friends easy enough, but holding  them goes haywire. I am of the assumption that I do not need the crap.

Listening to Jodi Arias testify I can only shake my head and think how easily that could have been me.

I had low self-esteem. I entered into toxic malfunctioning relationships knowing full well they could never last. I attracted weak because I appeared strong.

This has been an ongoing scenario.

The problem in all this was I gave my all. I loved the person, and did not care about how I felt.

The abuse (physically and emotionally) would  begin. I gave into there will at the downfall of my heart.

I stayed many years past the crucial, dangerous points where I could and should have thrown in the towel. One way or the other I was addicted to the lust, the drama. Having someone show me attention in any form seemed so important to me at the time.

MY Temper Tantrums

I remember throwing the bat at …., I could have killed her and smashing that girl into the brick wall at Yellow Springs Elementary because she called me ….. Fartz.

Lord help some someone if they had the nerve to piss me off.

As far as ….. goes he went and got the butcher knife. I got it away from him and luckily he had a heavy sweater on. It was a chilly day November 7 th 1979.

I remember how it felt too me when I stabbed him, and I remember pulling it out and throwing it.

When the police came they retrieved it as evidence and it had a good bit of blood on it.

…. had passed out somewhere on South Street trying to get to his home.

…said he heard on the Scanner that a man was running down South Street with a knife protruding from his back, that was an untruth.

He was taken to the hospital and as law requires reported the incident.

In the mean time I turned myself in and was released pending his outcome. They said if in fact he died from the assault I would be charged with murder.
I was charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

I got a lawyer. With his history of abusing me and stalking me the court agreed that I should leave the area and have no further contact with him. They even sent me to a Psychologist and an Abuse Seminar.

Instead we started back up and it wasn’t until April that I finally left and moved to Salt Lake City.

That’s strange about what …. told you about the annual farm butchering, if I had been three I doubt I would have the memory.

This thread originated from this post~

Vintage Farm Revisited

Oh well, memories differ. Individual Perspectives and Perceptions I suppose.
My foot is swollen again. I do nothing differently, one day it is fine and the next two I can barely put weight on it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

From ….
It was a hammer that you threw at the older …… girl. We were building a ‘fort’ next to the creek and the two of you got into it.  The next thing I knew, the hammer whizzed past her head, and it shocked her and me. It came so close to her head !

That could have been a tragedy too.  I don’t remember you throwing a bat at ….. but I do remember the time you ‘accidentally’ hit our younger cousin… in the head with the baseball bat.
You know …., I think I grew up being very watchful and fearful of you.  Perhaps that is why we couldn’t get close when we were younger.

You would go into these sudden rages and they were very frightening.

Sorry, I think I said .., when it was …..  Is he the one they called the Crow?  Weren’t you doing drugs and drinking in those days as well?  You really did live on the edge didn’t you?  If you hadn’t gotten the knife away from him, he may well have been the one stabbing you!  Doesn’t it make you wonder why you chose men who would abuse you?  In some weird sick way, …. was always proud of you when stuff like this happened.  He would then rescue you from your misery.

It certainly did give me cause to think upon my past and come to an awakening that changed my entire prospective.

Repressed memories can be very damaging to a person’s life.  They stay suppressed and hidden because they are too painful to recall.

I found this while editing my backups. Something I wrote sometime ago, and a reply from someone whose words meant something too me. We still disagree on many memories. Perhaps, mine are as she mentioned flawed by my past addictions. Perhaps, but I do not agree with that revelation either.

My memories are just as I remember. It is how it was for me, not a dreamed up fiasco for a future book or screenplay.

cleansing-emotions-emotions-windows-tears-heart-rerun-motivational-1289691760

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Author: cryominute

In my mind are the castles of a realm unseen Come, join me on my flight

I'm listening for the "Whispers"

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