I am on my fourth day of not smoking cigarettes. I have smoked everyday since I was 15 years old. I will be 71 on the 18th of this month. I quit Mary-Jane in August of this year. I started smoking POT when my daughter was a baby. 51 years ago. I quit smoking cigarettes when I was pregnant, the day I had her I started up again. It is a powerful addiction; Nicotine. It is harder to quit than any drug I have ever used and abused.
For my birthday I got another Tattoo. Have not gotten one since my Phoenix in 2009.
I got this one on the 27 th.
“Life Is Beautiful”
On to the Blog Post I wrote last night. Thinking is a powerful thing. Best to write it down.
It is what it is
2:35 AM 11/1/2019
“You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.”
It Was what it Was
Wish I could go back to sleep.
Listen to the same people complaining about the same things.
Hoping that I wake up in the morning.
No matter what I did too not wake up, I woke. In a super duper Daze but alive.
Wake up again and repeat.
This was my routine for YEARS before I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
I was possibly more miserable than I’d ever been.
Why wasn’t my life changing ?
So I plodded on, and accepted my life as it was. I tried to make the best of things. And sometimes, it worked, but not for long.
Eventually the feelings of dissatisfaction would return. The feeling of helplessness. Feeling stuck. Wanting to escape.
But there was no way out. I’d be repeating this day forever. And ever.
Let It Go
Around this time, I was reading a lot about how we need to close one door before another can open.
I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. I just knew I didn’t want what I had.
I had to follow my heart. What if my heart was only telling me what I didn’t want? What if it was refusing to tell me what was next?
What if I closed one door and the other one got stuck?
I was so afraid of what would happen, I held on for months, hoping for an answer to drop out of the sky.
Until the pain of staying where I was suddenly became too much to bear. I couldn’t take it anymore. Suddenly, what happened next didn’t matter.
I didn’t care.
I saw the madness of what I was doing. Just to survive.
And even surviving wasn’t much fun.
So I surrendered. I did what I’d felt called to do all along: I said goodbye to the man I’d been clinging to. With no idea of what was coming next. With no income and little money.
But as soon as I made my decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. I wondered what had taken me so long.
Of course, it wasn’t long until the fear crept back in. I had moments when I wondered what I was doing and how I would survive.
But even in those moments of doubt, there was a knowing that leaving my present situation was the right thing to do.
All my life, I’d put survival first. Now it was time to put myself first.
My happiness. My sanity. My peace of mind.
The worst-case scenario may not be so bad. In fact, it might be quite good.
I was lucky. I was never going to be out on the streets ever again. I knew I had the option of returning to stay with my daughter until I sorted myself out. But I really didn’t want to do that. I was far too old for that now. It was the Year 1992
Besides, that would mean living in a town far away from anywhere, with no transport of my own.
Despite my best hopes that something else would magically turn up, I indeed ended up hitch hiking to Key West. I tried telling myself it would be fine, but the scary thoughts were still lurking.
However, within a couple of weeks of the move, I saw the new path begin to emerge—chance meetings with like-minded people, work opportunities in unexpected places.
And for the first time in months, I actually felt happy. Because for the first time in my life, I was truly putting myself first. And I was truly living in the present.
Survival was no longer the name of the game.
My own peace of mind and happiness was.
When the pain of being where you are is too much to handle, when life is shoving you in the direction of the unknown, dare to trust it.
As I said, I was lucky. I know not everybody can do exactly as I did. Not everyone has someone who can help them out while they make a drastic life change.
I also know how annoying it can be to be told to change your life when you simply don’t see how. But the point here isn’t to do what I did, but to let go where you can.
You may have to face your own worst-case scenario.
When you begin to take care of yourself, when you follow what feels good for you and put your own physical and mental health first, you’ll find the path will begin to open up. You’ll find support from unexpected places.
You may even find that your worst-case scenario turns out to be the best thing you could have hoped for.
What I’ve learned is that having a plan is overrated.
Sometimes we really do need to let go and see what happens next.