Closing Down the Ride


inside_woman
I will add the link for the sketch. It’s called inside out woman.
Sketch Inside Out Woman

“The fires that burn us are the ones we learn from. The ashes are what we rise from.”

Quote Copyright ©2012 Cynthia Martz

The 23 rd. of this month is a one year anniversary of sorts for me. It was the last night said “N” spent the night with me. The sex that had me caught in his clutches and control for nearly six years had dissipated. It was like an epiphany. I knew the next morning when he left, that the part of our lives that had always had The SEX to fall back on was finished. It would take me another half of a year to finally cut all ties. A few weeks prior to this  he asked to move in, and that he loved only me and wanted to marry me. I refused adamantly.

It was a week after his latest son’s first birthday. I called him. His message picked up. Just as well, because what I had to say would dissolve any and all future contact. I knew this. I spoke quietly but did not waver.

I told him to never call, never come to see me ever again. Then I added that I had been a fool to pay for his girlfriends pregnancy problems with the one they lost. Not four months later she got pregnant again. We continued on. It was if she didn’t exist and it was just him and I as it always had been.

The last part of my message I told him to forget all the money he owed me. I told him it just was not worth the slow trickle of payments I was receiving. Believe me when I say this part was hard. I had loaned him a nice chunk of dollars. I did it to help him and I still loved him back then. I now realize that holding on just so I could get paid eventually was ridiculous. It allowed him access to my life and my life was finally owned by me again. Nothing about my life was any of his concern nor business then and most importantly now.

I heard through the grapevine that he moved in with his son and his baby mama’s family. His daughter is raising  three children, going on four in the house he had lived in. She is barely in her 20’s. Having a father figure who had seven children with various women, never marrying any of them set a fine example it seems. At least his daughter’s children are by the same father.

In reading other blogs I quote from Sarah Tate~Perfect Analogy

Your Cluster B is probably already cultivating another relationship by now, but still he/she will not release you from their clutches. 

“Once your Cluster B realizes you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing. Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry.”

In describing “N” I have many descriptions…

Selfish, controlling, irresponsible, thoughtless, disrespectful, sexually exploitative, immature, a pathological liar, cruel, manipulative, deceitful, self-serving, shallow, cowardly, perverted,  degenerate, unkind, loathsome, irreverent, despicable, ninny hammer.

When we first connected I loved him for his happy-go-lucky ways, his smile and laughter, the way he cared for animals and babies. The way he loved me… enticed me , made me feel so very special. Now I realize they were but ploys to get me to submit to his world.

If the saying goes “The older you get the more wisdom you acquire” I must be the definition of wisdom .

Definition of wisdom describes what successful aging is all about. It is knowing when and how to let go of what is finished, to reinvest in life, make compromises, and engage in new exciting activities.

May your journey bring you closer to the realization that you can see clearly into the void behind ANY deceiver’s mask.

You only need to look just a little harder before jumping in.

Love~So Easy to Make~So Hard to Forget


Total Eclipse of the MOON

27th of August 2007

August27_2007_moon

He had his daughter call and say he was going to visit his son and then would be here. He came around 7 PM. He brought a bottle of sprite and a pint of rum. We watched some TV and I was getting ready to fix our dinner plates and he said he was not very hungry. He said he needed to tell me something. I smiled and asked if he had dessert elsewhere.

Then he tells me that 3 weeks ago he was with her and the condom broke. At first I said “You are kidding” and then realized by the anguished look on his face that indeed he was telling me the truth and being HONEST. I had requested he be upfront after the Friday (24th) Drama.

It did shock me; but with all the dreams of mama and dad of late; and his saying he felt the impression of my mama sitting beside him as he laid in bed. He just had to tell me and get it off his chest.

I am hurt, confused as to the why?

He says continuously that it is just moments with her and that his heart is so full of me and how much he loves me. I told him this am before he left that this was forever the last time he could expect much in the way of trust and confidence from me.

That we would go on and if he felt that NEED again to not hide it; to be open and communicate his feelings too me instead of putting blame, accusations and insinuations on my plate.
I then told him I would release the need for him and he could move on; as I would know that is what his intention was and is.

I mentioned what he had said to me Sat when he called. He said how sorry he was about his words to me and his asking me again to marry him. He said “What about the ring ? ”

He said of course he remembered.

I then said I was in No way going to jump from a very cool spot into a HOT inferno with him.

So this is how it went and how it goes, the ball is in his court.

He can bounce and screw us up or he can play straight with me.

I told him I would survive no matter.

So that is THE WHY of the bladder infection on the 2nd of this month, docs on the 6th.

That would have been 3 weeks ago but he went out on the 10th?  So me tinks it has been more than three weeks ago?

His daughter seen her number on her dad’s phone and she asked what about Cyndi dad?

I told him he tells me whatever pops in his head and it is getting very one-sided.

We even discussed the three-day waiting period sexually that I told him I had already noticed and was up on.

I called him as he asked and his daughter said he was sleeping. I said is he really sleeping?
The reason I said that was because when he spoke with her Monday evening before the NEWS;  he told her IF anyone calls tell them I am sleeping.
She said yea the baby came over and he drank a lot and went to bed. I said well I am told you know about the other issue and the possible pregnancy and she said she was clueless.

So what the heck.???????

Earlier he called me to wake me up from my nap. I was telling him about my dream and he started in with he had called her and told her to come to the park. He asked her again about the so-called pregnancy and said she needs to find out because he does not want the kid and will pay for her abortion.

My back hurts, this drama kills me. I do not know if I can deal with the drama this time around. I really do not.

The deceit, the lies, the half-truths.

He told me her birthday was Sunday the 26th, he was supposed to take her out and he came here instead. She called the next day and said she was riding up the keys and did he want to ride, he said NO, oh really ?
The cake in his fridge that I asked about was from her sister’s Birthday. He also said that when she picked him up they had sex in her back seat at the beach. Then changed his story and said it was at her trailer and that he came quick, it was nada and she had to pull the rubber out of her. He also said that she liked it rough when he had told me sometime ago she couldn’t handle him and that he hurt her.

Why is it so important that he tells me this crap ?

Like I say he says what suits him, I am over it.

He also told me he had told her we were not together, and that he loved her and told me it was not her.
That he had led her on and it was totally his doing.

I would like to say that was the end of it. She wasn’t pregnant. We continued on.

Then his next conquest entered the picture.

She got pregnant, lost the baby. I paid for her hospital stay…he said it was over between them and I believed him.

He said they had nothing in common. That she was rather cold, and nothing like me. Four months later she is pregnant again. The baby will be two in November this year. He moved in with her. She has a daughter who is around eight by another man. She lives with her parents.

I stopped all contact with him in December last year. I told him do not call, do not come to my house. I even told him to forget the large sum of money he still  owes me.

This man has seven children by five different women. He never married any of the mama’s.

I am free of him.

over_him

He’s Dangerous~ A Bomb~ Kick It to the Curb


The Path Forward
The Path Forward
(Click on Picture)

I just put both these books on my Amazon list. Seems it’s the only kind of men I have had the misfortune too attract. Perhaps that is why I don’t feel the urge to connect in that way.
Perhaps I projected the wrong things back then…and needed to take a better look at myself.

I wish one person would have said this one word too me (He’s a LOVE BOMBER~ RUN) and then perhaps my eyes could have opened to that realization sooner. Instead it took me too many long and erratic years. He had a new victim lined up before he even let me fall off the limb. He had held onto ever so tightly for so long. Just Like a monkey on a limb, they will not let go until they have a firm hold on the next one.
He was inconsistent, insecure, he accused me of things, insinuated and said derogatory remarks. He would always say “I know you have someone else”. He was the one that always had someone else. He tried to project what he does, feels and thinks on too me and I did not like it. After all I have my own thoughts and feelings, I do not need anyone else’s.

Men seem to be intimidated, fearful of me of late. I am too much for them, and most men look for the weak ones.

Narcissistic Men,Psycho, Ninnyhammer’s…No Thank You

“How Many Times, How Many Lies”


I Should have believed…

All the ones who told me about you…

All the times you told me they wanted you back and these bitches were just trying to cause problems because they were desperate and pathetic

I know what it means about the negatives in trashing someone who TOTALLY needs to be trashed.
If I hear one more person tell me “To get over it” I may look like the Scream doll that Edvard Munch painted.
I had a blow up of that also,but I beat it to death.

Web Graphic
Web Graphic

Positive feedback:
The sociopath N is very convincing and charming. I think you should blow the lid off him and expose him fully, even if only for a while. Then remove it. Trust me, Google will keep it forever anyway. Tee-hee. You’d be protecting many women from the same horror.

You want to hear a really good one. As I mentioned in the Letters I will Never send I WAS told so many times about his habits of collecting hearts and kids.
This past one, probably not his last; but at any rate she told me “Move On! Get a life,you are desperate and pathetic

Wonder where she heard that from…OH right, from HIM.

“How Many Times, How Many Lies”

They would try to tell me something

Oh, but I was hearing nothing

When they said you was just playing me

I didn’t listen

I didn’t want to

You couldn’t find a blinder fool

I’m here

Searching through the wreckage

Wondering why the message never got through

And I found I misplaced all of my faith

How could I put my faith in you?

How many times?

How many lies?

How long you been sneaking?

How long you been creeping around?

How many lies?

How many times?

Were you here deceiving

While I was here believing in you

I got to put the blame on myself

Should’ve known with everyone else

Just knowing they knew you was just bad news

I should’ve walked out (I should’ve walked out)

I should’ve seen clear (I should’ve seen clear)

I’m glad your sad ass is out of here

I’ve gone and thrown out all the records

All the ones that ever reminded me of you

I’ve gone and tore up all the pictures

Cause there was not one shred of truth

There were so many times

There were so many lies

I don’t know why I stayed on you

There were so many days

There were so many games

I should’ve thrown your sad ass out

But now the game is through

I’ll never trust in you

I’ve finally got wise

I opened up my eyes

Your game is over

I’ve gone and thrown out all the records

All the ones that ever reminded me of you

I’ve gone and tore up all the pictures

‘Cause there was not one shred of truth

I opened up my eyes

Oh Yeah

Lyrics and song by The Pussycat Dolls

Kokopelli is a fertility deity, usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player (often with a huge phallus and feathers or antenna-like protrusions on his head), who has been venerated by some Native American cultures in the Southwestern United States. Like most fertility deities, Kokopelli presides over both childbirth and agriculture. He is also a trickster god and represents the spirit of music.

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