Hearts Remember


The Heart Pies went over with a bang, like it was the 4th of July. They seem to put big smiles on special faces. Going over saved emails and cleaning up things that no longer serve my intentions. I found this. It is  dated 2006.

A truly wonderful writing.

Reflections06

Photography Reflections by © Cynthia Martz 2013

I found this on the web years ago and saved it. It can no longer be found.

“When the ties that bind two hearts were broken and I began my life alone, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I’d build walls of stone around my heart so high and so tall that no one could hurt me again!

Each row of blocks was set in place and cemented in angry tears of disappointment. Angry at someone I gave my heart, my soul, and my dreams to. Disappointed that they looked upon me as less then the dirt they walked on each day.

Over time, my anger was replaced with independence and self-determination that I would not buckle, I would not fall to my knees and make the same mistakes of my past. I promised myself to look at life without rose colored glasses and realize that my happiness comes from me…not from someone else. But in my haste to live all my tomorrows alone in a double bed, I realized… perhaps….one day, that I would regain some of my lost dreams. I knew that one day, I would peek out of this cramped private world of mine and reflect on lessons learned.

I look at how little I possess, but then I smile because what I have I earned, it is mine, and I will let no one take it from me. I sense so clearly the vulnerability and the struggle between my heart and mind. One whose purpose is to make me look behind, and see the trail of tears that have led me to where I am today. I am reminded that by letting someone in will risk finding out that I was just being played for a fool. Even before I take that first step, unsure if I will step onto solid ground or a bottomless downward fall, I panic!

I am safe in this world of aloneness. No one can hurt me, I won’t let them! Yet I can’t help but go about these quiet times, and notice the way that man looks at the one he loves! I can’t help but take a longer look as they share that heart pounding, delightful, never meant to end kiss. I see them as they walk hand in hand. I see the way they pause as something is whispered softly, and their arms pull each other close. I hear them as they tell each other, “I love you”; and I feel a tear try to escape my eyes as I turn away.

No one was meant to be alone any more then anyone deserved to be hurt. But men and women are hurt every day, in every way, and unlike me, they stay in that relationship, void of mutual love. Worse yet, are those who finally broke free and hide in the shadows of bitterness. Every woman or every man is looked at the same way…full of selfishness, coldness, short tempered, mocking, demanding, and once more, in the back of our mind, when we least are prepared, we feel “We were to blame”! Abuser’s love to taunt us, and make us believe “WE” are to blame, not them“.

But I promised myself, that I will never accept blame, nor let my tears fall for what other’s did! One day they will have to face the mean things they have done. I am responsible for only those things “I do”! I don’t want someone to bring happiness into my life. I want someone to be the best part of each day and to compliment all two can share together. I want them to feel, as I do, that life is as special as two people want to make it. To believe that teamwork gets more accomplished then that of a boss! I will never again accept someone who dominates and makes me do as they say…”or else”.

I never want to fear them as I see them raise their hand. I want to know that their hand will gently caress my cheek. I want to feel the softness of a lover’s touch…a touch so soft and soothing that I could melt within their arms! I want to be able to exchange ideas, without fear of rejection. I want them to know that I understand that sometimes they must lead, just as I too must sometimes lead. But more often then not, I want to walk through these remaining years left to us, at each others side! I don’t want to wake up alone, I don’t want to die alone and unloved.

I want them to merge into my life without addictions because addictions destroy relationships sooner or later, they take their life away, long before we were meant to say our final farewell! I want to be their addiction. I want them to want my love and laughter, I want to be the best part of their day! And in return I would pledge to be all that I could be for them. Commitment, compatibly, mutual interests, comedy, forgiveness, respect, trust, and empathy, these are the ties that bind two hearts year after year!

I have promised myself I would wait till eternity ends before I will allow someone to hurt me again, and that promise remains unbroken! It remains unbroken because I just can’t take that chance to let someone in! Shyness will always be the toughest barrier to overcome….to let someone see my smile! “Baby steps” I call it, one small step at a time! Yet there are millions of men and women out in the world, who are skeptical, hesitant, and afraid to open the door to their heart, even just a crack.

They are safer, they whisper to stay alone. They fear that someone will want to change them, to take away what little they have. Communication and honesty must prevail if  someone… is to make the quantum leap from “ME” to “WE”! I believe that for every problem there is a solution….and often times it takes two to find that solution.

I wish all those who found that someone special continued happiness. I wish for those who want to love but are afraid, to go to your library and read books about relationships. Find out if there are singles support groups that could help ease some of your worries and concerns. If you are happy alone, then you know best, and I will never seek to change your mind. For those who are lonely, I wish you strength to look within yourself and see what you are willing to give to them, and what you, in return need from them to feel that they are the right person to take a chance on!”

Raymond.

© 2006 Raymond Cook (All rights reserved)

Trying 2 Dance


dancers

The Dance of Youth

by Pablo Picasso

I’m trying to Dance.

Names changed

I went to see Purple today and he was there. An EX stopped in to clean his window shield but I think he came to see Purple but noticed her new interest and made up something.

I then went too Publix and got needed items, I went for cat food but of course ended up with other items I needed.

Then came home and made Chicken breast fried and cut up , hamburger for Taco’s and they were delicious. I added wasabi to the chicken. Purple came home rushing as always and misplacing things. Her mind is so scattered with HIM on her brain and all the other stuff of everyday.

I checked the mail and the sunny seat for the cats was in my mailbox. It did not fit the window and I had to attach it sideways. The cats still love it.

Sun_Seat_Minnie

Minnie on her Sunny window seat.

The rest of the mail I took a quick glance at and figured it was trash mail. Then my sister’s name caught my eye and the contents looked like something I should open. Glad I did. My sweet sister sent me a very nice early monetary check gift for my birthday on the 18 th of November.

I put water on to boil for tea, waited a bit and then placed the tea bags and asked her  to remind me. When Purple was leaving she said “Mom, is something burning”?”

It was the tea. The bags had exploded and made a mess. I knew even if I strained it, the tea would be way past too strong.

Perhaps I am a bit scattered myself ?

I started another pot, round two. I waited till it boiled and set it to the side. The stove was a mess too clean but then again I had all the fixings to clean up and put away in containers as Purple went out the door with hers too go.

Now, I have a request from a young , long time friend. The mother of my Icy Blue. Her tea party is the 2nd, actually her 6 th birthday is the 3rd and I bought the fetti cake and sprinkles for the cupcakes I was going to make for the tea party. It has been changed to the 10 th so I have a few more days. She wants me to burn her a tea party music CD. The search will begin mañana.

I apologized to someone and decided not too ever apologize to some one else. Too much pain and heartache along with a boat load of lies. Then again never say never. They say Smile

For some it is easy to forgive and forget. I suppose they would be the ones who are not imprisoned and whose families have NOT lost practically everything along the way.

News today. All is forgiven…someone must be ecstatic. Wonder how she handles her guilty conscience ? She has never taken any responsibility or paid any dues. Those that choose to save their own ass seem to be favored in our judicial system. Terminology here is plain and simple. Snitch – someone acting as an informer or decoy for the police)

I choose not to vote
I choose not to be on a man-made jury

For the same reason I find myself to be part of a drama that I choose too be involved in. Still after 7-8 years it continues.

All is forgiven, how does that work ?

We have been torn apart in our hearts and cried so much over the vindictiveness in what happened.  Not my place to decide someone’s fate.
I am not the one to do that.

Some things are unforgivable.

But again, I am not the Judge.

I am also not the forgiving sort of person to a blatant liar and untrustworthy being.

and then I read this

Why is it so difficult for us to forgive others? Why do we find it so hard to let go?

Sometimes, even years after a certain incident; sometimes, even after they have apologized; sometimes, when they have hurt you unknowingly and have no idea that you are struggling to forgive them.

Why?

Because we are usually under the misconception that we will be doing them a favor by forgiving them.

That in fact, is not the case.

When we forgive someone, we actually do ourselves a huge favor because through forgiveness.

We release all the negative thoughts, emotions and energies that we are so desperately holding in our anger.

Replaying the moment again and again in our mind, torturing ourselves in so many ways.

It hurts us more than them, when we don’t forgive.

We find it hard to forgive because we think we are in the more powerful position when we hold back forgiveness.

Actually we are the weak ones, if that’s the kind of power we rely on to give us strength.

We are also not able to forgive because we take everything so personally.

Not everything another person does is done with a conscious intention of hurting you.

Sometimes they are just trying to protect themselves and that’s the best way they know how to protect themselves.

Haven’t you heard of the saying  ‘The Best Defense is Offense’?

We need to give allowance to others for their insecurities and their imperfections without taking things personally.

So even if you do it for the most selfish of reasons, go ahead and forgive.

First, forgive yourself for holding the grudge for as long as you did.

Then, forgive the other person.

Finally, be proud of yourself.

Author Unknown

On to something else

I don’t know what’s worse~ being expected to do something or being told what to do and how to do it. I believe anything a woman can do a man can do just as well…even if they don’t like the softness of dish pan hands.

Never was about “that’s a woman’s job or Hey, that’s a man’s job”.

I don’t need a man to take the garbage out and get rid of annoying bugs for me, unless of course he turns into one… an annoying better than you bug.

conflict

You Only Have One Heart


I am now going within and with great intent forgive all those who treated me unkindly,said nasty things and betrayed me in ways that have effected me too this day.

I learned so much from these persons.I feel it wasn’t so much the feeling of being used,as it was feeling I am someway contributed too it.

Codependency

I am a very giving spirit and will help in any way I am able. When this backfires you feel like you have been taken advantage of.The old adage “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.” comes to mind.

A truly kind heart is an attribute. It is not made to be broken, walked on and misled. It is meant to be loved and cherished.
Positive relationships bring meaning to our lives and provide the love, support and encouragement for us to make it through this ongoing journey.
The toxic ones, leave our hearts wounded. When you are in pain it is difficult to remember what truly brings us joy.

Only when we remember, can we celebrate the wonderful moments in life. A picnic on the beach, dancing in a summer storm, playing in rain puddles, the feeling of a big bear hug.

You only have one heart. Be selective who you share it with.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” – Henry David Thoreau

I just checked my home mailbox.I love my HUG!

Hug_Mail_From_SIL
Hug_Mail_From_SIL~Copyright ©2012 Cynthia Martz