The Heart Pies went over with a bang, like it was the 4th of July. They seem to put big smiles on special faces. Going over saved emails and cleaning up things that no longer serve my intentions. I found this. It is dated 2006.
A truly wonderful writing.
Photography Reflections by © Cynthia Martz 2013
I found this on the web years ago and saved it. It can no longer be found.
“When the ties that bind two hearts were broken and I began my life alone, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I’d build walls of stone around my heart so high and so tall that no one could hurt me again!
Each row of blocks was set in place and cemented in angry tears of disappointment. Angry at someone I gave my heart, my soul, and my dreams to. Disappointed that they looked upon me as less then the dirt they walked on each day.
Over time, my anger was replaced with independence and self-determination that I would not buckle, I would not fall to my knees and make the same mistakes of my past. I promised myself to look at life without rose colored glasses and realize that my happiness comes from me…not from someone else. But in my haste to live all my tomorrows alone in a double bed, I realized… perhaps….one day, that I would regain some of my lost dreams. I knew that one day, I would peek out of this cramped private world of mine and reflect on lessons learned.
I look at how little I possess, but then I smile because what I have I earned, it is mine, and I will let no one take it from me. I sense so clearly the vulnerability and the struggle between my heart and mind. One whose purpose is to make me look behind, and see the trail of tears that have led me to where I am today. I am reminded that by letting someone in will risk finding out that I was just being played for a fool. Even before I take that first step, unsure if I will step onto solid ground or a bottomless downward fall, I panic!
I am safe in this world of aloneness. No one can hurt me, I won’t let them! Yet I can’t help but go about these quiet times, and notice the way that man looks at the one he loves! I can’t help but take a longer look as they share that heart pounding, delightful, never meant to end kiss. I see them as they walk hand in hand. I see the way they pause as something is whispered softly, and their arms pull each other close. I hear them as they tell each other, “I love you”; and I feel a tear try to escape my eyes as I turn away.
No one was meant to be alone any more then anyone deserved to be hurt. But men and women are hurt every day, in every way, and unlike me, they stay in that relationship, void of mutual love. Worse yet, are those who finally broke free and hide in the shadows of bitterness. Every woman or every man is looked at the same way…full of selfishness, coldness, short tempered, mocking, demanding, and once more, in the back of our mind, when we least are prepared, we feel “We were to blame”! Abuser’s love to taunt us, and make us believe “WE” are to blame, not them“.
But I promised myself, that I will never accept blame, nor let my tears fall for what other’s did! One day they will have to face the mean things they have done. I am responsible for only those things “I do”! I don’t want someone to bring happiness into my life. I want someone to be the best part of each day and to compliment all two can share together. I want them to feel, as I do, that life is as special as two people want to make it. To believe that teamwork gets more accomplished then that of a boss! I will never again accept someone who dominates and makes me do as they say…”or else”.
I never want to fear them as I see them raise their hand. I want to know that their hand will gently caress my cheek. I want to feel the softness of a lover’s touch…a touch so soft and soothing that I could melt within their arms! I want to be able to exchange ideas, without fear of rejection. I want them to know that I understand that sometimes they must lead, just as I too must sometimes lead. But more often then not, I want to walk through these remaining years left to us, at each others side! I don’t want to wake up alone, I don’t want to die alone and unloved.
I want them to merge into my life without addictions because addictions destroy relationships sooner or later, they take their life away, long before we were meant to say our final farewell! I want to be their addiction. I want them to want my love and laughter, I want to be the best part of their day! And in return I would pledge to be all that I could be for them. Commitment, compatibly, mutual interests, comedy, forgiveness, respect, trust, and empathy, these are the ties that bind two hearts year after year!
I have promised myself I would wait till eternity ends before I will allow someone to hurt me again, and that promise remains unbroken! It remains unbroken because I just can’t take that chance to let someone in! Shyness will always be the toughest barrier to overcome….to let someone see my smile! “Baby steps” I call it, one small step at a time! Yet there are millions of men and women out in the world, who are skeptical, hesitant, and afraid to open the door to their heart, even just a crack.
They are safer, they whisper to stay alone. They fear that someone will want to change them, to take away what little they have. Communication and honesty must prevail if someone… is to make the quantum leap from “ME” to “WE”! I believe that for every problem there is a solution….and often times it takes two to find that solution.
I wish all those who found that someone special continued happiness. I wish for those who want to love but are afraid, to go to your library and read books about relationships. Find out if there are singles support groups that could help ease some of your worries and concerns. If you are happy alone, then you know best, and I will never seek to change your mind. For those who are lonely, I wish you strength to look within yourself and see what you are willing to give to them, and what you, in return need from them to feel that they are the right person to take a chance on!”
© 2006 Raymond Cook (All rights reserved)