Hearts Remember


The Heart Pies went over with a bang, like it was the 4th of July. They seem to put big smiles on special faces. Going over saved emails and cleaning up things that no longer serve my intentions. I found this. It is  dated 2006.

A truly wonderful writing.

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Photography Reflections by © Cynthia Martz 2013

I found this on the web years ago and saved it. It can no longer be found.

“When the ties that bind two hearts were broken and I began my life alone, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I’d build walls of stone around my heart so high and so tall that no one could hurt me again!

Each row of blocks was set in place and cemented in angry tears of disappointment. Angry at someone I gave my heart, my soul, and my dreams to. Disappointed that they looked upon me as less then the dirt they walked on each day.

Over time, my anger was replaced with independence and self-determination that I would not buckle, I would not fall to my knees and make the same mistakes of my past. I promised myself to look at life without rose colored glasses and realize that my happiness comes from me…not from someone else. But in my haste to live all my tomorrows alone in a double bed, I realized… perhaps….one day, that I would regain some of my lost dreams. I knew that one day, I would peek out of this cramped private world of mine and reflect on lessons learned.

I look at how little I possess, but then I smile because what I have I earned, it is mine, and I will let no one take it from me. I sense so clearly the vulnerability and the struggle between my heart and mind. One whose purpose is to make me look behind, and see the trail of tears that have led me to where I am today. I am reminded that by letting someone in will risk finding out that I was just being played for a fool. Even before I take that first step, unsure if I will step onto solid ground or a bottomless downward fall, I panic!

I am safe in this world of aloneness. No one can hurt me, I won’t let them! Yet I can’t help but go about these quiet times, and notice the way that man looks at the one he loves! I can’t help but take a longer look as they share that heart pounding, delightful, never meant to end kiss. I see them as they walk hand in hand. I see the way they pause as something is whispered softly, and their arms pull each other close. I hear them as they tell each other, “I love you”; and I feel a tear try to escape my eyes as I turn away.

No one was meant to be alone any more then anyone deserved to be hurt. But men and women are hurt every day, in every way, and unlike me, they stay in that relationship, void of mutual love. Worse yet, are those who finally broke free and hide in the shadows of bitterness. Every woman or every man is looked at the same way…full of selfishness, coldness, short tempered, mocking, demanding, and once more, in the back of our mind, when we least are prepared, we feel “We were to blame”! Abuser’s love to taunt us, and make us believe “WE” are to blame, not them“.

But I promised myself, that I will never accept blame, nor let my tears fall for what other’s did! One day they will have to face the mean things they have done. I am responsible for only those things “I do”! I don’t want someone to bring happiness into my life. I want someone to be the best part of each day and to compliment all two can share together. I want them to feel, as I do, that life is as special as two people want to make it. To believe that teamwork gets more accomplished then that of a boss! I will never again accept someone who dominates and makes me do as they say…”or else”.

I never want to fear them as I see them raise their hand. I want to know that their hand will gently caress my cheek. I want to feel the softness of a lover’s touch…a touch so soft and soothing that I could melt within their arms! I want to be able to exchange ideas, without fear of rejection. I want them to know that I understand that sometimes they must lead, just as I too must sometimes lead. But more often then not, I want to walk through these remaining years left to us, at each others side! I don’t want to wake up alone, I don’t want to die alone and unloved.

I want them to merge into my life without addictions because addictions destroy relationships sooner or later, they take their life away, long before we were meant to say our final farewell! I want to be their addiction. I want them to want my love and laughter, I want to be the best part of their day! And in return I would pledge to be all that I could be for them. Commitment, compatibly, mutual interests, comedy, forgiveness, respect, trust, and empathy, these are the ties that bind two hearts year after year!

I have promised myself I would wait till eternity ends before I will allow someone to hurt me again, and that promise remains unbroken! It remains unbroken because I just can’t take that chance to let someone in! Shyness will always be the toughest barrier to overcome….to let someone see my smile! “Baby steps” I call it, one small step at a time! Yet there are millions of men and women out in the world, who are skeptical, hesitant, and afraid to open the door to their heart, even just a crack.

They are safer, they whisper to stay alone. They fear that someone will want to change them, to take away what little they have. Communication and honesty must prevail if  someone… is to make the quantum leap from “ME” to “WE”! I believe that for every problem there is a solution….and often times it takes two to find that solution.

I wish all those who found that someone special continued happiness. I wish for those who want to love but are afraid, to go to your library and read books about relationships. Find out if there are singles support groups that could help ease some of your worries and concerns. If you are happy alone, then you know best, and I will never seek to change your mind. For those who are lonely, I wish you strength to look within yourself and see what you are willing to give to them, and what you, in return need from them to feel that they are the right person to take a chance on!”

Raymond.

© 2006 Raymond Cook (All rights reserved)

You Only Have One Heart


I am now going within and with great intent forgive all those who treated me unkindly,said nasty things and betrayed me in ways that have effected me too this day.

I learned so much from these persons.I feel it wasn’t so much the feeling of being used,as it was feeling I am someway contributed too it.

Codependency

I am a very giving spirit and will help in any way I am able. When this backfires you feel like you have been taken advantage of.The old adage “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.” comes to mind.

A truly kind heart is an attribute. It is not made to be broken, walked on and misled. It is meant to be loved and cherished.
Positive relationships bring meaning to our lives and provide the love, support and encouragement for us to make it through this ongoing journey.
The toxic ones, leave our hearts wounded. When you are in pain it is difficult to remember what truly brings us joy.

Only when we remember, can we celebrate the wonderful moments in life. A picnic on the beach, dancing in a summer storm, playing in rain puddles, the feeling of a big bear hug.

You only have one heart. Be selective who you share it with.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” – Henry David Thoreau

I just checked my home mailbox.I love my HUG!

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Hug_Mail_From_SIL~Copyright ©2012 Cynthia Martz

Happy Heart Day


Click for Recipe

I woke early this am so I could make my appointment at 9:30. I decided to drive the moped even though my tags are not up too date. Rhea had a flat last night and I did not want to risk that scenario.
I figured after my appointment I would drive to the DMV and get the sticker and I would be good to go.

Ok.

I made coffee and checked my purse for needed papers.
Where is my important papers? My little carry ID purse is missing???

I had it Friday at the store when I got the ingredients for the pies.

Did I put it in the plastic bag instead of my pocketbook ? After making the pies did I throw the plastic bag out ?
That was days ago…no use going to the dumpster.

Rhea says that is so irresponsible. Hey, I wasn’t at a bar drunk, I wasn’t confused.

I searched the entire apartment,in the closets, in drawers.

Time is growing short. I called my appointment and they said they had photocopies of my Social Security card and license and I could get dupes ordered.

Moped had problems starting,it hasn’t been driven since the first of this month when I got the warning ticket.A few kicks and a couple of side rolls and Varoom,it started.

I go get the photocopies and off to the Social Security Office to apply for a new duplicate card.

Thank goodness I had the photocopies because you can not get in the building without picture ID.

They asked if I had a cell phone in my purse when I went through security and told me I had to remove it. I asked them too keep it and they said I had to remove it from the building. I set it in the bushes outside with 4 or 5 other cells.

OK.

Then they tell me I can not order a new card because even though the photocopy allowed me in I needed a real license to prove who I was.

Off, to the Registration building and I got my new sticker. This cost me almost $45.00. Put it on the moped and drove to the DMV on the other side of Key West. I pull a ticket and I am number #69. There are about 20 persons ahead of me.

Finally I have my new license in hand at a cost of $31.25. I told her the sign says $25, she said that doesn’t include the fees.

OK

Then off  to the bank to cancel my bank card and order a new one.They give me a temporary ATM card and tell me the new card will be in my hand in approximately 10 days.

Ok

Now I am home. I decorated my cheesecakes and took some pictures.I decided to get my new Social Security card from the online web site. No urgency for that one.

I swirl around on my desk chair and something is stopping me.I look down and what do you suppose it is?

Yep, my ID purse.

I swear China cat must have taken it out of my purse and hid it, than casually placed it at my chair coyly.
She also has been dumping her water dishes and playing in the water. She also seems to think the bathtub is her peeing latrine.

Ring a ling.
It’s Rhea on the phone saying she has another #ucking flat !!!!

The pies look delicious.

Happy Valentines Day.