Rambling Woman


I thought “that would make for a great blog.” I do try so hard to stay positive, does no good to be negative.

Thinking about my mama and dad again…

 Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz
 Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz
 Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz
 Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

I was caring for my mama after she had huge fatty tumors removed from both her legs back in 98.
They did both legs at the same time and she was more or less bed ridden for almost a year. The doctor butchered her legs. Huge indentations were left after she finally healed from the inside out. No stitches to close the wounds because the doctor feared infection.

It was nasty, and I did my best. Then my dad got really sick at the same time and went into a diabetic coma. Mama was unable to get up, she had to lay on her back day and night out. The honey I found in the cupboard was crystallized and I was in a panic.

After that, a few years later 2000 he had another heart attack and was in the operating room and decided he changed his mind. He died 6 months later after the doctor told him he had maybe 3-6 months too get his affairs in order. My mama lived 3 years longer and died immediately after so-called successful open heart surgery. She had a weak heart from having Scarlet Fever when she was young. It killed her three-year old sister and left her other sister deaf.

Yes,the smell of jasmine and the flower Plumeria they use in Nag Champa incense, frangipani, that’s it.
I love Nag

Years after I returned from Europe…I wrote my story called ” Jasmine Remains” It was about living in Tangier for 9 months…Rhea was going on 3. Her dad spent 8 weeks in a Kasbah prison overlooking Barbara Hutton’s palace. We partied at Baba’s…the Rolling Stones hangout.

Of course they were not there when we were in 1971. Hell of a journey. A fortune-teller told me I brought back 7 spirits with me. With the stuff that has happened too me I think she was probably right. She said some were good, some were bad and some had the potential to kill me.

Scorpio’s go through the fire so many times, and we rise.

Narcissism is alive and well.

Yummy, marshmallow peeps; purple too.

Dinner was so good. Still eating Easter leftovers.

Well, I just ate the new creamy no high fructose peanut butter. It was really good. I don’t like most natural peanut butters, too thick and the oil has to be stirred. Not this one. It gets Kudos.
They didn’t go over so well with the sugar high of peeps.

That CS5 is complicated too me. I just keep designing photography, I really need to get out more 🙂

Second star to the right straight on till morning…

Urrrgg~Yellow Pages


Flag of the Conch’s @Key West,FL

Yes,folks we have a our very own tiny “The Conch Republic Yellow Pages and Business White Pages for Key West and the Lower Keys. The print is in gray ink and so small you need a magnifier glass to see it. Unless of course you have a young child close by who has great eyesight.

I think I will make a door stopper out of it. Then again it’s so small, maybe I will just use the pages to clean the bathroom mirror after showering.

I will find some use for it 🙂

I have been beating my head against the wall all morning. Looking for numbers and finally finding them only to hear “We’re sorry, this number is no longer in service.”  Thinking I must have dialed wrong or possibly written the number down wrong, I redialed.  Same results.  Hearing that horrid sound in my ear whining or the screaming Fax machines persons leave on…URGG!  is so annoying and frustrating.

Then resorting to a call too 411 that they will charge me for. Then having them give me the exact numbers that are longer in service. The annoying thing about this, these are important numbers having too do with government offices, health clinics, etc, etc.

Immediately calling 411 back and demanding credit for a wrong number.

Someone needs to redo the Key West Yellow Pages.

One listing says  “Care Center for Metal Health”…Really!!!
Can we say TYPO ?

Then of course you have the numbers that do answer. You hear that lovely elevator music in the background that is either obnoxious or deafening…

1. If this is an emergency please go to the nearest hospital

2. If this is not an emergency, we are busy now and can not take your call

3. Please leave your name and number and a brief message

4. If you would like to speak with a representative,please stay on the phone,someone will be with you shortly

5. We are having an unusual amount of calls, if you do not want to remain on the line please hang up.

6. If you remain on the line, there is a wait of approximately 10-15 minutes.
After waiting, if no one has connected with you, please hang up and try your call again

I just said the heck with this, and rode to the places I was trying too connect too. It is a 2 x 4 Island. Oh and I filled my moped up (Cost $4.17 ) Price of a gallon of gas.
When I arrived everyone was out to lunch or had taken the day off.

It is a gorgeous, palms swaying day out, a sunny, warm 79 °.

At any rate I did accomplish today what I planned doing yesterday. It was so nice out I took the day off.

Seemed like a good day to feed the ducks.

Just Ducky
@Key West,FL

He’s Dangerous~ A Bomb~ Kick It to the Curb


The Path Forward
The Path Forward
(Click on Picture)

I just put both these books on my Amazon list. Seems it’s the only kind of men I have had the misfortune too attract. Perhaps that is why I don’t feel the urge to connect in that way.
Perhaps I projected the wrong things back then…and needed to take a better look at myself.

I wish one person would have said this one word too me (He’s a LOVE BOMBER~ RUN) and then perhaps my eyes could have opened to that realization sooner. Instead it took me too many long and erratic years. He had a new victim lined up before he even let me fall off the limb. He had held onto ever so tightly for so long. Just Like a monkey on a limb, they will not let go until they have a firm hold on the next one.
He was inconsistent, insecure, he accused me of things, insinuated and said derogatory remarks. He would always say “I know you have someone else”. He was the one that always had someone else. He tried to project what he does, feels and thinks on too me and I did not like it. After all I have my own thoughts and feelings, I do not need anyone else’s.

Men seem to be intimidated, fearful of me of late. I am too much for them, and most men look for the weak ones.

Narcissistic Men,Psycho, Ninnyhammer’s…No Thank You

One Thing Leads to Another


Negative Emotions~Yin-Yang~

yin yang
yin yang

Here’s How To Take Your Power Back From Negative Emotions!.

“This emotional arc that we pass through, some people call it “The Dark Night of The Soul”, others call it just plain crazy. But what if, on the other side of feeling your feelings, what if you just felt them instead of ate them, drink them or spent them away? We would step into a broader world where so much more was possible.”

Lately certain persons have brought out the negative in me from their negativity.
I have always been a fairly positive and optimistic person.

Must be URANUS and Jupiter running the bases 🙂

“It seems that Uranus is showing the way some are coping (or not coping) with things at the moment.”

THE SHAPE OF THINGS_Aries New Moon

“This has been a particularly Uranian time that we’ve been experiencing for some months. The energy has been electric, confused, pushy and yet slow, somehow organised and then somehow deranged, and, generally, all over the shop (especially so with Mars retrograde in Virgo since January 25)

Uranus has a way of stirring things up, freaking us out, breaking down barriers, and, sometimes, causing barriers through selfish, ill-considered or reactionary behavior.”

from Lynda Hill (one of the world’s top ranking astrologers).

I am acquainted with this wonderful person from Australia;she writes wonderful articles on Sabian symbolism.
I connected with her through association of one of my younger sister’s Down Under friends.

I have been researching Karma

The Karmic Number can explain why sometimes you feel like you are “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” and why sometimes you may have strange dreams or feel compelled by strange or irrational urges that even to yourself seem “out of character.”

My number is 6
Karma of Six – The number Six represents the qualities of love, balance, humanity and tolerance. If you lack this influence, you have not developed the balanced expression of these qualities and may not have developed an appreciation of family and love relationships. You may not have not learned to give freely without expecting a return. Your lessons will be based on learning the importance of family, of love, and how to give and take in a balanced emotional relationship. You will encounter individuals who are judgemental and express a conditional form of love and you will encounter individuals who are able to show you how truly valuable a healthy relationship can be.

I Dreamed I was in my computer, and I could escape and delete people. It was cool. Someone drank all my wine, they were in small bottles. I couldn’t get the door open and I knew someone was inside.

It is evading me like an Elusive Butterfly

All of my energy is in the dark, damp cellar.

Am I being disassembled or put back together ?

 

A Time for Every Season


How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog–it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.
James 4:14

What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

I always liked this scripture.

Life is like that.

Seasons in our life.

Summertime reminds me of my youth,carefree and apprehensive at the same time

Spring~reminds me of new things. Daffodils coming through the semi-frozen ground

Fall reminds me that all things change, leaves fall, people move away, loved ones die

Winter reminds me that I am retired now and my hair is starting to get gray (Hi-lights ?) … I move slower and I see ME in those older folks,especially when I look in the mirror and see the reflection of my mother staring back at me.I dressed to go out the other day and my daughter commented “You look just like grandma;she was so beautiful.”
That was such a nice thing to hear.

Most importantly~The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.

Lyrics Elusive Butterfly 1966 Bob Lin
The year I graduated…

You might wake up some mornin’
To the sound of something moving past your window in the wind
And if you’re quick enough to rise
You’ll catch a fleeting glimpse of someone’s fading shadow
Out on the new horizon
You may see the floating motion of a distant pair of wings
And if the sleep has left your ears
You might hear footsteps running through an open meadow

Don’t be concerned, it will not harm you
It’s only me pursuing somethin’ I’m not sure of
Across my dreams with nets of wonder
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love

You might have heard my footsteps
Echo softly in the distance through the canyons of your mind
I might have even called your name
As I ran searching after something to believe in
You might have seen me runnin’
Through the long-abandoned ruins of the dreams you left behind
If you remember something there
That glided past you followed close by heavy breathin’

Don’t be concerned, it will not harm you
It’s only me pursuing somethin’ I’m not sure of
Across my dreams with nets of wonder
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love

Across my dreams with nets of wonder
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love

Elusive Butterfly
Elusive Butterfly@Key West Botanical Gardens

I Want All My Emotions


Lately I have been dreaming numbers,seeing them everywhere.
11:11 and 444 seem to be on my wavelengths.
I took this as perhaps a nudge to check my Numerology stats.

What I found was interesting.

I am 6-8-6

As you are so self-sacrificing you are also in danger of working yourself to the point of exhaustion. One of your life path lessons is to remember to care for yourself as much as you care for others.

Note:This is so true.I do care for others and often feel that I would like to be cared for with the same intensity.I am very perceptive of others needs.I go the extra mile more times than not.

Yep,that would be “Me”

There ya go,that service to others.In a earlier post I mentioned that I was a server in the restaurant business from coast to coast for over 35 years.You have to really like people to be in that occupation.

Note:
The term “Enough” always comes to my mind when I read things about worldly goods and materialistic things.Things that may make you feel good or help you lead a more simplified life.
Abundance is something I possess.It may not always be monetary,but it is so relevant in my life.I always seem to have “Enough”

“May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to bring you joy.”

For as long as I can remember persons have seeked me out for answers to their problems, there issues. It’s like “Hey, you’ve been there, what would you do?  How would you react ?
I would try to explain that my decisions may or may not work for them.If they were willing to listen,I tried to help them in someway.

I wrote this in 2003:
Many are feeling out of sorts.Many are seeing and hearing things they know from where but ask why.Much stress is involved in daily living,let this pass.Make no quick decisions.Let the waves settle that have sprung up in your waters.Let the mind be to not rationalize and tear every thought process to shreds.

What is right will be known to you.

You must believe this.

You must be more aware and open to these changes.

You may even miss them if you do not be on the alert.Get rest.Sleep when you feel drained.If you do not and continue to DO things that need to be done but can be done later you will pay .

Your mind will not recess what it needs it will short-circuit and you will feel scattered and useless.You will feel unimportant and you will feel that nothing matters.

Please understand that it is YOU that must see,hear and feel these things.

Then you can release them.

Others will see as if a veil has been lifted from there eyes.

Do not despair,be forgiving,there is always hope.

When we follow our heart, we follow OUR path of least resistance.

We enjoy what we do and do it joyously.

EMOTIONS ARE THE GREAT ATTRACTOR

The Taurus/Scorpio polarity pulls us into deep, unexplored energies and spaces. Do we really want to go there? Do we really have a choice? The choice is between now or later. We simply cannot ignore the emotional dynamic of our soul and we really don’t want to. Our power is embodied in our emotions. And our ultimate peace and satisfaction requires the integration of our emotional energy into our body and psyche. And if you desire real and meaningful relationships with yourself and others, get started.

In relationship, women (and men) often notice that their partners are not emotionally available. The truth is that neither men nor women are emotionally unavailable to themselves. The only way to attract a partner that is emotionally available is to cultivate that level of attention to ourselves.

Feel your feelings. Keep feeling your feelings. Stay with your feelings without thinking about them, without interpreting them, without judging them.

Compassionately stay present to the rich expressions of your emotional body. Lovingly be with your instinctual self as you would be with a child or a pet.

Being present to our emotional energy is how we connect with our inner child, which we have all abandoned. Reconnecting with our inner child is the basis for healing our childhood wounds of abandonment. Reconnecting to our inner child leads us to reconnect with our soul. As we communicate with our soul and create real intimacy within ourselves, we open ourselves to attract deeper intimacy in relationship.

The more we become emotionally honest with ourselves, the more we can be honest (without blaming, dumping and projecting) with others. The more honest we are, the more alive and balanced we become. Emotional energy is a great attractor.

The more real we are, the more we can magnetize satisfying relationships and circumstances in our lives.

HOW TO PROCESS THE EMOTIONS

Healing is an inside affair, which requires shifting our attention from the outside in. We have to shift our mode of stimulation inwardly too. We have to stimulate and activate ourselves with our own attention.

To become a sensory human, we have to work with the emotional energy of our issues in our body and in our deep psyche. We discover the painful and empowering truth that no one can save us but ourselves. This is an ongoing, long-term, subtle and very personal process. There are no exact formulas that will deliver us pain-free to the other side.
The following are some guidelines that can help you be with your emotional energy in a healing and empowering way.

(1) Get in touch with the purity of your soul essence before attempting to heal your emotional body.

(2) Do your best to process from the neutral mind. In the neutral mind and heart we can listen, observe and be with our emotional energy with unconditional acceptance.

(3) In the world of emotions, our energy is usually not neutral. A neutral vantage point will however allow us to practice (a) accepting, (b) allowing and (c) loving what we experience.

(4) Notice in a nonjudgmental way how and where you restrict, hold back,resist and hesitate. Be with these sensations in your body.

(5) Monitor your reactions and responses. Notice how and when your responses are a result of automatic conditioning. Notice that when you are conscious of your soul essence how your reactions and responses are different. Monitoring the difference opens you to the possibility of freedom of choice.

(6) To love is a soul action. We have to invite our soul energy home into our body. Simply be with your energy like you would be with a child or a pet.

(7) Practice various ways to nurture your energy, including (a) letting go and relaxing, (b) accepting and allowing, (c) moving with connected, gentle exercise.

(8) Practice different attitudes of consciousness including being (a) unconditional, (b) flexible, (c) flowing, and (d) present~ listen and feel what is happening.

We realize the pure essence of our soul in our mind, but our soul is not embodied via the mind. We have to invite it in through the emotional body.
The soul reconnects through the physical and emotional bodies and the heart.
It is through conscious sensitivity that we pull in or retrieve our soul.

Credit is given (Marshall B. Rosenberg)

“Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Compassion,” Marshall B. Rosenberg,

(Highly recommended!!)

Two Bridges

How is YOUR RubberBand today?


I couldn’t find the online link,just an old email on backup.

I have often times been given the gift of rubber bands ~you know once your mind is stretched you can never go back.
Nothing will be the same again story.

RubberBand Man or of course gender is woman also.
We are wo-man after all

OK,here goes…Oh and BTW the problem with Rubberbands no one knows for certain how far you can safely stretch it or someone else’s before it Snaps

OOPS

WOW (Wish Only Well)

For all our Rubberband Men and Woman

Rubber Band Man (Copyright 2003 Ron McCray)

Consider the rubber band. It is a continuous loop of flexible material that in its natural state is relaxed and adapts to where it happens to be placed in the moment. It can be stretched to be larger than it seems. This can only happen through force, by being stretched beyond its natural circumference. When the force is released, the rubber band “snaps” back into its original state. Sometimes a rubber band is stretched too far or too and breaks losing the completeness of its original configuration, and in effect, becoming useless. Although this fate is not visited on all rubber bands, the potential is always there for all of them.

Sometimes, I think I am rubber band man.

I was created whole like the rubber band in its original shape of a continuous loop. Wholeness is my natural state of loving acceptance of all around me and myself. Do I find myself in that state often? For a long time, I was almost never in that state, then I began to awaken, and realized that I had allowed myself to be stretched and pulled over and over until I believed I would be broken, or I would break myself. I did learn how to release the forces that pulled me one way or the other. When I could do that, I returned to the perfection of being whole and relaxed; I was simply myself in the absence of being pulled by external forces.

Who and what are these external forces?

I could categorize them into a long list. In my life, some of the most powerful ones are: parents, family, teachers, schoolmates, friends, religious authorities, governments, politicians, bosses, military superior officers, and partners to name a few. Whatever the list, there is a commonality that they all share. They all are driven by one motivation aimed directly at me. One shared goal that seems unrelenting and purposeful.

The people who tugged (and still do) on my rubber band self wanted me to be someone other than who I was. My natural, rubber band state of being comfortable with who and where I was constituted an affront to them. They believed I should be different, recreated in the image of someone they thought would be a “better” person (in the most benign sense) to an evil scoundrel (in the most vilified sense). I must confess that I too have tugged on a few rubber bands myself…

Why would any of us do this to one another or allow it to be done to ourselves?

Like so many “systems,” we rubber band men and women are products of a perfect, self-perpetuating state. There is a cycling of energy that feeds on itself in a kind of conservation of energy. On one pole of the system is the self-belief that I am not really a worthy person deserving of love for being simply who I am in my natural rubber band state. I am conditioned to morph myself into whatever someone wants me to be in order to gain the acceptance of that person. On the other pole, I am quick to motivate others to be whoever I think they should be in order to gain my acceptance. The cycling revolves between gaining acceptance and demanding acceptance. We all do it.

One moment I occupy the high ground and am demanding a certain behavior from someone attempting to gain my favor (an employee or child for example), and the next moment I am on the low ground looking up at my boss and shaping myself to his expectations – rubber bands pulling other rubber bands.

Have you heard the expression, “I am about to snap?”

How can people pull and stretch me into shapes that are not in my highest and best interest?

Why don’t I just say no?

The answer lies in my childhood when I was not physically strong enough to resist being pulled and reshaped. Were you ever manhandled as a child into being a good little boy or girl?

At that stage of life, resistance is indeed futile, and the quicker I learned to let myself be pulled and shaped, the “easier” life became. I was a good little boy because the alternatives were not pleasant. By the time I became physically able to defend myself, I had forgotten why I would want to. I was locked into the closed system of pulling and being pulled depending on the circumstances. “This is the way life is so get used to it.”

“Do it to them before they do it to you.”
“Love me or else.”
“I’ll be whoever you want me to be, just don’t leave me.”
“What can I do to make you happy?”

The forms of intimidating and beseeching are endless. Take a look at contemporary movies and television if you don’t want to look at your life. The plots of dramas (and many comedies) are full of characters pulling rubber bands and having their own pulled. This is the bread and butter of entertainment. I pay money to watch rubber band men and women playing out the dynamics of my life, only theirs are more dramatic and entertaining than mine.

What eventually happens to rubber bands? They break or they don’t. They break from being pulled too hard, too often.

Eventually, the material looses its ability to remain intact when stretched after a lifetime of being pulled again and again. Sometimes we call this insanity, and sometimes we call it death.

What about the rubber bands that don’t break?

Some of the rubber bands go off and live in a cave or a hut someplace where there are no other rubber bands around to tug on them, or they live in a cloistered, small society where all have agreed that they will lovingly accept each other. I don’t think there are too many people in either circumstance. For most of us, including me, it is necessary to remain in the “everyday” world where rubber band pullers and pullees abound.

For us rubber bands in that category, there is a way… At least some of the time, I have learned to be aware when my rubber band is beginning to be tugged, kind of like when the fish is nibbling at the bait, the fisherman sees the telltale subtle movements of his float. I then have the choice of taking off my Rubber Band Man suit.

I become Real Person. Real Person knows that he is lovable and acceptable just the way he is. Real Person also knows that instead of dictating to rubber bands who will accept abuse to gain his acceptance, he can give them the greatest gift of all: to simply accept that person as whosoever the person is without intent to change him or her.

How weak is your rubber band? How much longer before it breaks? Now is the time to have awareness of being pulled and of pulling. With awareness, you can take off the Rubber Band Man/Woman suit and become Real Person. It is so much more rewarding.

I really don’t know a lot. It seems the older I get, the less I know except what I do know becomes more and more important to my ability to create fulfillment and harmony in my life. Here are a couple of items that fall in that category. First, the past is irrelevant except as a teacher, so I work at letting the past go and not projecting it into the present or my prediction of what the future holds. Clinging to my past gives the pullers of my rubber band an anchor from which to yank on me.

When I let go of “meanings” in my past, those anchors dissolve.

When I do journey into my past, I return with only the lessons that will support me in the present. The circumstances and people who contributed to the lessons don’t really matter. Their job is done.

Second, The Rubber Band Man analogy is simply another way of presenting the most fundamental principle of spiritual evolution: I live in either a state of fear or a state of love. In any moment I can choose which one. When I choose to not allow my rubber band to be pulled, I am loving myself. When I choose to not pull another rubber band, I am loving that person. The choices between love and fear determine the quality of my life. It is that simple and I realize that it is not always easy.

I wish your rubber band well.

“Don’t believe everything you think~ don’t think about every thing you believe.”

Simply Enjoy The Ride.