Life’s Highway and Byways


bike_ridingbyArt Anderson

Country photography by Art Anderson

She was off work for the afternoon, we talked. I had given her a book too read on the Nephilim. She started in on how her grandma had force-fed her the way of the truth.

I asked about the adoption and if she knew about it.

She said she had lived with mom and dad for over a year and went to school from their house. I mentioned that too a young mind it may have seemed like a year, but it wasn’t.

When I left to move further North she was with me.

She started 1 st  grade. She proved to be a handful and I was working two jobs. It seemed she was always at one or the other of babysitters.

My younger sibling left to go to West.

My roomie moved back too her family’s home.

I in turn moved to the city again.

I had taken my daughter to the farm her dad worked on.

A new love interest had recently moved in with him.

She was on some form of probation and they thought the living circumstance would help her.

I then met a LOVE BOMBER (75) and my life began to swirl out of control with abuse and disillusionment.

I decided it best to let her stay at her dad’s.

His new love did not want to be a step-Mom. They eventually married. She had a baby. She did indeed raise my child for 6 years until she left  and went back to her first husband.

He chased her and her daughter out-of-town with a shotgun when he caught her in his bed with his best friend.

In the mean time…

this is when my child stayed with Mom and Dad. Then back too her dad and finally his mother on Canberra Court.

He ran off to Key West to avoid some legal matters he had, by all intent and purposes was declared dead.

I hopped a bus and moved cross-country. During this time she came to live with me out West in Salt Lake and California.

She had a diary. I was looking through it one day and noticed entries about her dad and realized he was very much alive. She had planned on going there too live with him.

This is when I decided to try to catch her in-between her moves.

I drove to Michigan from California.

Within a few days I had changed the bald tires and was heading for Maryland.

When I arrived I was informed my girl was gone.

Her grandmother (Dad’s Mother ) was vague about her whereabouts, but I knew.

She had lived with me in Michigan for almost 2 years.

At first she was in regular school and then after her return I found an alternative school in St.Joseph (mostly uppity white girls) that she managed to get kicked out of.

Before that she abruptly took her SELF out of school around Thanksgiving and got a bus back too Key West.

I had expected her back within two weeks and remember calling. I located her by phone at a local arcade.

My phone bill was astronomical. She had run it up prior to leaving and then my trying too locate her added to the expense.

I paid for her to come back on the train after a few months.

This is when she came back with quite the stash.

Mind you she was supposedly being threaten by drug lords in Key West.

Two years of total chaos, me working three jobs and her left to her vices.

I had given her the entire front room and I took the small bedroom.

She had Parties in the house, drank all my hidden liquor, smoked up all my cigarettes. Had her friends eating out of my cupboards.

I remember it had snowed so much and the car and everything else was buried.

She wanted to go to this quaint little place  in St.Joseph that had trains and other Xmas festive things all around.

I told her we were snowed in.

She said I will shovel out.

Not thinking that she could I agreed.

Next thing I know she has about five guys all with shovels in hand and I had to concede that possibly we would get be getting out and about.

No one was on the roads and we had so much fun.

We went to the mall and did circle 8’s in the snow. We came home and ended up walking to High’s for dinner.

It was beautiful with the snow falling and I felt so close too my daughter.

I met someone, another LOVE BOMBER (85)

She said she was moving back to Key West too become an escort.

I guess I had LOST the rights to be in control and everything was spiraling.

She stayed with her friend and her father, because her dad and his new friend were too strict on her.

She met her future husband and the rest as they say is history.

End

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Inside Out


classroom

This picture (Alexandre Laurin) brought back a bit of nostalgia.

[Note: Photo has no direct affiliation to this post and is being used for artistic purposes only]

How many of us remember sitting in a room like this ?

A place where we felt confined day in and day out. Five days a week.

School Days.

Thank goodness for the windows, where our minds could wander and we could silence the drill of whatever the teacher was projecting to us.

The knowledge we would need to survive what was waiting outside the windows.

Life, with IF always in the middle with all it’s twists, turns, ups and downs

Comparable to a favorite roller coaster ride at the County Fair

Everyday we are constantly learning, we never stop

School is in recess

We continue to play the game

Copyright ©2013 Cynthia Martz

When You Feel Weary


When I am weary of all the shadows, I read this:  

For_Rhea_37_Coco-1                        

Copyright ©2013 Cynthia Martz ( I created this out of a coconut shell)

“The Simplest Way” by an Unknown Author

“When we finally arrive at a space where we are simply happy and grateful for what we do have, we will know that we have arrived.

All the wanting, trying to create, trying to keep up, and trying to get somewhere, are simply the roads we undertook to get to this higher space of giving up and letting go….which is precisely where we need to be…in gratitude, wonder, and joy for it all.

And this is when we finally get all that we have ever wanted, only we find that we really no longer need these things that we thought we had to have!

When we finally arrive in this incredible space, we seem to be able then, to be happy, joyful, and full of love wherever we find ourselves.

We have then come full circle.

Struggle, then, creates the space of letting go (basically through exhaustion). And letting go and surrendering, creates the space of the higher realms reality, where Source can then enter oh so much more easily.

Do we need to never want a thing ever again? Absolutely not! We only need know that we can be happy right where we are, no matter where that may be.

And accepting where we are and how things are in the world or around us, gives us the strength through knowledge that all is always in divine and perfect order.

And through this acceptance, we can then receive all that we have ever wanted.

If we choose, we can arrive in this space through by-passing the long journey of struggle, a journey which eventually culminates at the very place where it all began.

We can align right now then, in this simple way:

When we align with the simple things in life, which are always available and present, we are automatically placed in alignment.”

Trying 2 Dance


dancers

The Dance of Youth

by Pablo Picasso

I’m trying to Dance.

Names changed

I went to see Purple today and he was there. An EX stopped in to clean his window shield but I think he came to see Purple but noticed her new interest and made up something.

I then went too Publix and got needed items, I went for cat food but of course ended up with other items I needed.

Then came home and made Chicken breast fried and cut up , hamburger for Taco’s and they were delicious. I added wasabi to the chicken. Purple came home rushing as always and misplacing things. Her mind is so scattered with HIM on her brain and all the other stuff of everyday.

I checked the mail and the sunny seat for the cats was in my mailbox. It did not fit the window and I had to attach it sideways. The cats still love it.

Sun_Seat_Minnie

Minnie on her Sunny window seat.

The rest of the mail I took a quick glance at and figured it was trash mail. Then my sister’s name caught my eye and the contents looked like something I should open. Glad I did. My sweet sister sent me a very nice early monetary check gift for my birthday on the 18 th of November.

I put water on to boil for tea, waited a bit and then placed the tea bags and asked her  to remind me. When Purple was leaving she said “Mom, is something burning”?”

It was the tea. The bags had exploded and made a mess. I knew even if I strained it, the tea would be way past too strong.

Perhaps I am a bit scattered myself ?

I started another pot, round two. I waited till it boiled and set it to the side. The stove was a mess too clean but then again I had all the fixings to clean up and put away in containers as Purple went out the door with hers too go.

Now, I have a request from a young , long time friend. The mother of my Icy Blue. Her tea party is the 2nd, actually her 6 th birthday is the 3rd and I bought the fetti cake and sprinkles for the cupcakes I was going to make for the tea party. It has been changed to the 10 th so I have a few more days. She wants me to burn her a tea party music CD. The search will begin mañana.

I apologized to someone and decided not too ever apologize to some one else. Too much pain and heartache along with a boat load of lies. Then again never say never. They say Smile

For some it is easy to forgive and forget. I suppose they would be the ones who are not imprisoned and whose families have NOT lost practically everything along the way.

News today. All is forgiven…someone must be ecstatic. Wonder how she handles her guilty conscience ? She has never taken any responsibility or paid any dues. Those that choose to save their own ass seem to be favored in our judicial system. Terminology here is plain and simple. Snitch – someone acting as an informer or decoy for the police)

I choose not to vote
I choose not to be on a man-made jury

For the same reason I find myself to be part of a drama that I choose too be involved in. Still after 7-8 years it continues.

All is forgiven, how does that work ?

We have been torn apart in our hearts and cried so much over the vindictiveness in what happened.  Not my place to decide someone’s fate.
I am not the one to do that.

Some things are unforgivable.

But again, I am not the Judge.

I am also not the forgiving sort of person to a blatant liar and untrustworthy being.

and then I read this

Why is it so difficult for us to forgive others? Why do we find it so hard to let go?

Sometimes, even years after a certain incident; sometimes, even after they have apologized; sometimes, when they have hurt you unknowingly and have no idea that you are struggling to forgive them.

Why?

Because we are usually under the misconception that we will be doing them a favor by forgiving them.

That in fact, is not the case.

When we forgive someone, we actually do ourselves a huge favor because through forgiveness.

We release all the negative thoughts, emotions and energies that we are so desperately holding in our anger.

Replaying the moment again and again in our mind, torturing ourselves in so many ways.

It hurts us more than them, when we don’t forgive.

We find it hard to forgive because we think we are in the more powerful position when we hold back forgiveness.

Actually we are the weak ones, if that’s the kind of power we rely on to give us strength.

We are also not able to forgive because we take everything so personally.

Not everything another person does is done with a conscious intention of hurting you.

Sometimes they are just trying to protect themselves and that’s the best way they know how to protect themselves.

Haven’t you heard of the saying  ‘The Best Defense is Offense’?

We need to give allowance to others for their insecurities and their imperfections without taking things personally.

So even if you do it for the most selfish of reasons, go ahead and forgive.

First, forgive yourself for holding the grudge for as long as you did.

Then, forgive the other person.

Finally, be proud of yourself.

Author Unknown

On to something else

I don’t know what’s worse~ being expected to do something or being told what to do and how to do it. I believe anything a woman can do a man can do just as well…even if they don’t like the softness of dish pan hands.

Never was about “that’s a woman’s job or Hey, that’s a man’s job”.

I don’t need a man to take the garbage out and get rid of annoying bugs for me, unless of course he turns into one… an annoying better than you bug.

conflict

Halloween Moons


pumpkins

Halloween
This night the veil is thin
Hallowed Eve
Be aware of everything
Notice all
Listen
See
be open
do not fear the dark
There is much light from the darkness
Burn a candle
Play festive music
Allow and rejoice
You walk in the here and now
the present
the beyond needs to know you
remember they have gifts for us
10/30/03

Cynthia Rivera  © 2003

Hope you have a Great Halloween and Happiest Birthday Month (Scorpions).

movgoldspiderweb

Good Read

Yes, I still see intrinsically as to my nature and see signs and even run into them sometimes. I dang near knocked myself out. I seen stars and comets.

They say everything is speeding up really fast now and I totally feel it.

 

I have two doctor appointments this week. My LBC is still low and the platelets are going way low. I do sleep a good bit. But, hey I will be 64 on the 18 th of November and a lady needs her beauty sleep.

Besides, my flying dreams are just so awesome.

A good man gets out of prison Feb 2013. He seems so changed. Prison does that. It allows you the time and space to really see yourself.

I believe that is the only positive thing I can say about prison. Of course other then I am glad I have never been there. Came close

It is not possible to be separate; we are each a point of light within the greater light

LaUna Huffines

I just checked my mail and they sent me a jury summons. I never go to them and YES they are suppose to put warrants out. But, hasn’t happened yet so I am not gonna worry about it.

Don’t be a stranger

I miss the changing of the leaves, palms don’t change colors

Old_Martz_Farm2

 

Where I Roamed

 

Steering Wheel

The Blessing in Starting Over


I PROMISE MYSELF

Starting Over more times than I like to recall at times. The numerous pebbles on my path, a few boulders and too many detours have led me on my journey;  through the dark and dangerous woods into the clearing that was always within my reach. I just had to grasp it, understand the simplicity of it.I will be turning 64 years on this journey on November 18 th.

I have been going through my blogs and noticing that I posted numerous things on Dark Night of the Soul, transformation and going with the flow. I am moving so fast it seems. My thoughts seem to trail off and yet come back stronger, so intense yet comprehensible if only too me Smile

My dreams have been very revealing. They show me my deep and forever love I have for my parents. I have conversations with them. This was something I missed growing up.  We lived in another era it seems.

We ate together most evenings as a family but never really knew each other. There were no overly displays of affection. I always had the notion that when I was old enough I would leave, travel, move on a whim and I did.

Many times I lived far from my roots and knew no one. Casual acquaintances became my mainstay. Now, I am acquainted with my siblings. All are still living many miles away from me. We seldom see each other. I have the means to see them, to hear them with the aid of technology. They do not seem to have the time or a cam to Skype. Something just doesn’t feel right. I want to hold them more often. Gaze into their eyes and sip a cup of Chai tea. Be silly and play childhood games.

I wonder at times if I will see them again.

I wrote this back in 2003
I believe I am related somehow to that Seagull, you know Jonathan Seagull. I just reread his story again. First off I have always felt different. Having been raised since the age of 12 as a Jehovah’s Witness it changed the course of my life in many ways. Religion has never been a past time of mine. I do believe in a higher power and  I believe that universal powers of love and compassion will be what saves us~ not religion per se’.

When I was in the eighth grade (Jr.High School) I had my first feelings of ridicule and rejection by my peers. Our class each morning scheduled a student to have a prepared quote and our interpretation of it.I remember my quote was “Two Heads are better than One” fairly self-explanatory. The part that came next was to lead the class in prayer and a salute to our National Flag.In hindsight I should have taken the responsibility of informing my teacher that I did not participate in these activities in lieu of my religious beliefs, or rather my mama’s beliefs. How embarrassing it was for me to stand there, and do nothing while the students waited. I could hear snickers and hushed laughter. The teacher walked to my side and asked if there was a problem. I said I cannot do this as it is against my religious beliefs. I was excused.

Then as I grew older I was looked upon as someone who couldn’t do most of the activities that school age kids do. There were no school dances for me or anything that would bring me into association with the in-crowd, the good kids, the popular ones. I again felt as an outcast, different from the rest.

By the time I entered High School I had become fairly popular on my own. If I couldn’t go to the dances, I would just run with a different crowd. The wild crowd. I began experimenting with the opposite sex and found that I could get my way fairly easily. I needed to hear them say just three words “I love You” and I was on to my next conquest.

During this time I was expelled, disassociated from the religion. No one in the organization could or would have anything to do with me and this was great. The only one major problem was this included my beloved sisters. My brother was too young to realize the impact being disfellowshipped had on a person. In this regard I barely know him.

Since our dad died he has stayed in contact with his sisters. I married as soon as I graduated, had a daughter, went back to the so-called “TRUTH”, and was eventually disfellowshipped again. First time fornication,second adultery, the third time was the charm. My offense was smoking cigarettes.

I traveled to Europe with my husband and small child. My family at the time knew little about my where a bouts and I survived without them in my life. I missed them, but I survived.

I became involved with anything to take my mind off my life, my non-existent caring family. Drugs and alcohol became my religion. I was very faithful to these vices.

After divorcing my husband and being at the time a bad influence on my beloved daughter; I left her with her dad in 1980 and moved cross-country. I saw my parents one time in 1981,they visited me when my daughter had come out for the summer. I did not see and rarely heard from them for the next 12 years. They had excused, rejected and expelled me once again from there lives. My mama asked me many years later in 93 when they had received permission to associate with family members why I had been so bad. I almost laughed at her. How can one feel loved or even lovable when their own parents disown them? She told me there was not a sunrise or sunset that she didn’t wonder how I was and if  I were safe, alive even. I was cut off, cut out of their life like a bad moldy piece of cheese.
The Perils of being Disfellowshipped

I sought love elsewhere, and in many wrong avenues. I am not blaming my parents. My father passed and as of this writing my mama has shunned all three of her daughters once again as of August 31st 2002.

It has been a long year~ one of growth and reflection. I have grown in love and compassion and I do my utmost to overlook other’s flaws. I try to respect their beliefs whatever they may be and however distant it takes us apart. I treasure the years when they were back in my life.

We were a family once again like old times. My sisters and my baby brother and I have become acquainted and find that we  really are very lovable people and that no one can take that from us. Unconditional love has taken on a whole new meaning to me.

Like Jonathan we sometimes have to step away from some one else’s so-called normal world and do our own thing.

Dance to our own music.

Everyone’s heart doesn’t always beat to the same melody.
And that’s just fine with me.

Written by “zimba” Cynthia Martz© 2003

Easter

1958

I am a Scorpio Sun (November 18, 1948)

Gemini Moon

But I am really RISING Aquarius

Notes:

You come across as quite a cool and distant sort of person. You prefer to look at life from an impersonal point of view and therefore find it easy to get along with all sorts of different people.

You may even have a posture that leans slightly backwards and your body language tells other people not to come too close.

You require a lot of space and freedom of movement –
you don’t like reporting on your every move.

You have plenty of originality and your style of dressing reflects this most appropriately. Being different does, however, attract attention, ironically the very thing you dislike so much.

It is not surprising that much of your outward appearance, or the way you present yourself to others is determined by the Rising Sign

Aquarius: The best quality of Aquarius is your humanitarian attitude. The worst quality is argumentativeness. A key phrase is “I know.” Aquarian are seen as progressive. When we speak of the Age of Aquarius, we are speaking of a period beginning now and extending into the future, with all the possibilities the future has to offer. Aquarian may be well-informed or even visionary in your thinking. You may not be grounded in the practical application of your ideas. Focused on a universal goal, you may not attend to the needs of individuals in ordinary circumstances.

Aquarian have advanced ideas. You are original and scientific in your methods, and you are strongly interested in education, for yourself and for others. You often prefer to learn through conversation with others, rather than through straight book studies. There is an unconventional quality in your thinking – you can take apples and oranges and make something greater of you.

Aquarians are generally pleasant, but you are also assertive. Your determination can turn to argument when you don’t get your way, and you can be unsympathetic to the views of others. Your temperament is affected by the world outside yourself, and can become cranky at times, or even rebellious. Your usual cheerful manner and understanding of human nature make you skillful social beings, but you may be somewhat reclusive, needing a lot of private time to think things through.

Mind Maze


WHYYYYYY??

I am so feeling so much. I went too see my friend, we drank and listened to music, I couldn’t stop thinking. Everything came back, all the loves, the memories of hot lusty connections, The reasons why and the reasons.

A good thing, it makes me realize how life is a continuous motion. How people we care about continually somehow integrate in our lives.

They are a part of us, they never leave

WHY????

Do we actually dwell on these past histories?

WHY????

I would like to too have an occasional intoxication where these things do not occupy.

I am content, so why hash over what if’s and what has becomes?

I am feeling good about my openness, someday my great grandchildren will know me.

I am so unique, that is so special.

I have no regrets.

Regrets mean you did NOT learn and I learned.

I used and abused as I was used and abused.

Goes two ways.

I really don’t care who reads this and who may be helped by my words in some form or fashion.

We are here on this planet, in this life.

Our life goes on day by day.

I CARE.

I Feel.

I experience newness  in every day I am blessed with.

I want too live to be a 100 or more…and I want my words and wisdom to survive me.

Bless anyone who reads this…always.