Love~So Easy to Make~So Hard to Forget

Total Eclipse of the MOON

27th of August 2007


He had his daughter call and say he was going to visit his son and then would be here. He came around 7 PM. He brought a bottle of sprite and a pint of rum. We watched some TV and I was getting ready to fix our dinner plates and he said he was not very hungry. He said he needed to tell me something. I smiled and asked if he had dessert elsewhere.

Then he tells me that 3 weeks ago he was with her and the condom broke. At first I said “You are kidding” and then realized by the anguished look on his face that indeed he was telling me the truth and being HONEST. I had requested he be upfront after the Friday (24th) Drama.

It did shock me; but with all the dreams of mama and dad of late; and his saying he felt the impression of my mama sitting beside him as he laid in bed. He just had to tell me and get it off his chest.

I am hurt, confused as to the why?

He says continuously that it is just moments with her and that his heart is so full of me and how much he loves me. I told him this am before he left that this was forever the last time he could expect much in the way of trust and confidence from me.

That we would go on and if he felt that NEED again to not hide it; to be open and communicate his feelings too me instead of putting blame, accusations and insinuations on my plate.
I then told him I would release the need for him and he could move on; as I would know that is what his intention was and is.

I mentioned what he had said to me Sat when he called. He said how sorry he was about his words to me and his asking me again to marry him. He said “What about the ring ? ”

He said of course he remembered.

I then said I was in No way going to jump from a very cool spot into a HOT inferno with him.

So this is how it went and how it goes, the ball is in his court.

He can bounce and screw us up or he can play straight with me.

I told him I would survive no matter.

So that is THE WHY of the bladder infection on the 2nd of this month, docs on the 6th.

That would have been 3 weeks ago but he went out on the 10th?  So me tinks it has been more than three weeks ago?

His daughter seen her number on her dad’s phone and she asked what about Cyndi dad?

I told him he tells me whatever pops in his head and it is getting very one-sided.

We even discussed the three-day waiting period sexually that I told him I had already noticed and was up on.

I called him as he asked and his daughter said he was sleeping. I said is he really sleeping?
The reason I said that was because when he spoke with her Monday evening before the NEWS;  he told her IF anyone calls tell them I am sleeping.
She said yea the baby came over and he drank a lot and went to bed. I said well I am told you know about the other issue and the possible pregnancy and she said she was clueless.

So what the heck.???????

Earlier he called me to wake me up from my nap. I was telling him about my dream and he started in with he had called her and told her to come to the park. He asked her again about the so-called pregnancy and said she needs to find out because he does not want the kid and will pay for her abortion.

My back hurts, this drama kills me. I do not know if I can deal with the drama this time around. I really do not.

The deceit, the lies, the half-truths.

He told me her birthday was Sunday the 26th, he was supposed to take her out and he came here instead. She called the next day and said she was riding up the keys and did he want to ride, he said NO, oh really ?
The cake in his fridge that I asked about was from her sister’s Birthday. He also said that when she picked him up they had sex in her back seat at the beach. Then changed his story and said it was at her trailer and that he came quick, it was nada and she had to pull the rubber out of her. He also said that she liked it rough when he had told me sometime ago she couldn’t handle him and that he hurt her.

Why is it so important that he tells me this crap ?

Like I say he says what suits him, I am over it.

He also told me he had told her we were not together, and that he loved her and told me it was not her.
That he had led her on and it was totally his doing.

I would like to say that was the end of it. She wasn’t pregnant. We continued on.

Then his next conquest entered the picture.

She got pregnant, lost the baby. I paid for her hospital stay…he said it was over between them and I believed him.

He said they had nothing in common. That she was rather cold, and nothing like me. Four months later she is pregnant again. The baby will be two in November this year. He moved in with her. She has a daughter who is around eight by another man. She lives with her parents.

I stopped all contact with him in December last year. I told him do not call, do not come to my house. I even told him to forget the large sum of money he still  owes me.

This man has seven children by five different women. He never married any of the mama’s.

I am free of him.


Subconscious Derailment and other Mishaps

They were bad boys and you gotta have at least one at sometime in your life 🙂

In my zone, one was just not enough.

Surviving DAZE, Psycho ~ Narcissistic Men, and My Faulty Judgment Calls

The other day we went to a local diner and ran into a friend of mine.

We have been buds since 1992. We had not seen each other socially since around 2006. She lives in Key West and winters in Maine. My daughter asked her if she was still married to Clyde. She said “I never married Clyde” Rhea said “Then who got married that day at Fort Zachery?”
In unison my friend and I both said “That would have been your mother, I said “Me”
We laughed hysterically.

My friend and I decided to go downtown.

We were both not in any shape to drive. I said “I can do it” I started the car and it would not move when I put it in drive. She said “It might help if you took your foot off the brake”.

I was upstairs at my sister’s home and the light bulb blew.
I went downstairs to get another bulb and told my sister the light bulb blew. She said “It is not, it’s a white bulb. I said “No, the light bulb blew…she said “Whatever you say, but the light bulb is not blue”

When the four police officers arrived, they asked if the person I called about had any weapons. I said “He carries a big bat. Like that guy (Buford) in Walking Tall.”
They pulled there weapons and said “No Problem” As they were standing in the hallway, you could hear the sounds of toilets flushing known contraband in unison in the other apartments.

When I met the person I mentioned above he was such a looker. He reminded me of  Jake Styles on Jake and the Fatman (Joe Penny). Then at other times he reminded me of Robert Conrad. I had a thing for those two.


The fact that I caught him screwing my best friend in my bathroom the first week, did not deter me. I blamed my friend.
Like all new romances I had not figured out yet that he was a narcissistic psychopath. He asked to borrow my car. When the police located it there were footprints
on the ceiling, the seat was broken in half. He was nowhere to be found.

Earlier we had went to an auction. He liked “Wild Turkey” bourbon whiskey a lot. I tried it for the first time. I was very intoxicated I might add. The auction scene was a first for me too. I kept hearing “Sold” and wondered who in their right mind would buy a hideous orange couch…A few hours after I wrote a worthless check these items were delivered to my apartment. A kids John Deere tractor, a hideous looking bright orange couch set that was so hard it could not be sat on comfortably. It was used for a side porch decoration. Little did I know that my exaggerated gestures were misconstrued as bids.

Calling the police on him backfired a bit when they said they had a warrant on me for passing worthless checks.
I cleared that up and they took him away. He stalked me…tried to run my car into a river with me in it. I left town. He followed me. I left town again and lost him forever.

Another incident with another relationship that proved to be Psychotic in nature. I was working at a nice place called “The Other Place” in Salt Lake City,Utah. One evening I received a tip on a ten-dollar bill.
It said “If you’re half as good as you look, you are one hell of a lady” I liked that.

He did not like the fact that I had several men I was seeing and wanted me all too his self. I came home one evening and noticed my window had been broken.
I lived in a basement apartment. I smelled the weird smell of burnt hair and after calling the police started my investigation.
This was after they told me too leave the apartment. I found him naked and curled up in a fetal position in one of my very tiny linen cabinets.
The police arrived, arrested him for breaking and entering. After his release he caught a hobo train out-of-town.

Another close call happened at Yankee Stadium in NYC.

I was around 16 or so. I was at a JW convention and we stayed in the Bronx with a family that offered us a room while we visited. One afternoon,I met a nice looking gentlemen. He had his JW welcome tag on and we fast became acquainted. Enough so that I left and went walking with him. As we reached the bridge you could see the Bronx House of Detention. He mentioned he had friends there ???


I started noticing he was sweating profusely and thought it was perhaps his nerves. Then I noticed the tracks on his arms and knew I had taken a wrong turn.
I asked to go back and he grabbed my binoculars and purse and off he went. Later I found the (EMPTY) purse at the Lost and Found inside the stadium.

Looking back I see a trusting, naive little country girl. Even in my 20’s after a marriage and a daughter I still was optimistic and trusting.

I also was not shy and made friends and conversation easily. I still do, but now I try to be more cautious in my endeavors.

The one thing I can say that drew me too these men were there looks, there swagger and the chemistry that perpetuated the air when they entered my zone.

They were bad boys and you gotta have at least one at sometime in your life 🙂

In my zone, one was just not enough.

He’s Dangerous~ A Bomb~ Kick It to the Curb

The Path Forward
The Path Forward
(Click on Picture)

I just put both these books on my Amazon list. Seems it’s the only kind of men I have had the misfortune too attract. Perhaps that is why I don’t feel the urge to connect in that way.
Perhaps I projected the wrong things back then…and needed to take a better look at myself.

I wish one person would have said this one word too me (He’s a LOVE BOMBER~ RUN) and then perhaps my eyes could have opened to that realization sooner. Instead it took me too many long and erratic years. He had a new victim lined up before he even let me fall off the limb. He had held onto ever so tightly for so long. Just Like a monkey on a limb, they will not let go until they have a firm hold on the next one.
He was inconsistent, insecure, he accused me of things, insinuated and said derogatory remarks. He would always say “I know you have someone else”. He was the one that always had someone else. He tried to project what he does, feels and thinks on too me and I did not like it. After all I have my own thoughts and feelings, I do not need anyone else’s.

Men seem to be intimidated, fearful of me of late. I am too much for them, and most men look for the weak ones.

Narcissistic Men,Psycho, Ninnyhammer’s…No Thank You

“How Many Times, How Many Lies”

I Should have believed…

All the ones who told me about you…

All the times you told me they wanted you back and these bitches were just trying to cause problems because they were desperate and pathetic

I know what it means about the negatives in trashing someone who TOTALLY needs to be trashed.
If I hear one more person tell me “To get over it” I may look like the Scream doll that Edvard Munch painted.
I had a blow up of that also,but I beat it to death.

Web Graphic
Web Graphic

Positive feedback:
The sociopath N is very convincing and charming. I think you should blow the lid off him and expose him fully, even if only for a while. Then remove it. Trust me, Google will keep it forever anyway. Tee-hee. You’d be protecting many women from the same horror.

You want to hear a really good one. As I mentioned in the Letters I will Never send I WAS told so many times about his habits of collecting hearts and kids.
This past one, probably not his last; but at any rate she told me “Move On! Get a life,you are desperate and pathetic

Wonder where she heard that from…OH right, from HIM.

“How Many Times, How Many Lies”

They would try to tell me something

Oh, but I was hearing nothing

When they said you was just playing me

I didn’t listen

I didn’t want to

You couldn’t find a blinder fool

I’m here

Searching through the wreckage

Wondering why the message never got through

And I found I misplaced all of my faith

How could I put my faith in you?

How many times?

How many lies?

How long you been sneaking?

How long you been creeping around?

How many lies?

How many times?

Were you here deceiving

While I was here believing in you

I got to put the blame on myself

Should’ve known with everyone else

Just knowing they knew you was just bad news

I should’ve walked out (I should’ve walked out)

I should’ve seen clear (I should’ve seen clear)

I’m glad your sad ass is out of here

I’ve gone and thrown out all the records

All the ones that ever reminded me of you

I’ve gone and tore up all the pictures

Cause there was not one shred of truth

There were so many times

There were so many lies

I don’t know why I stayed on you

There were so many days

There were so many games

I should’ve thrown your sad ass out

But now the game is through

I’ll never trust in you

I’ve finally got wise

I opened up my eyes

Your game is over

I’ve gone and thrown out all the records

All the ones that ever reminded me of you

I’ve gone and tore up all the pictures

‘Cause there was not one shred of truth

I opened up my eyes

Oh Yeah

Lyrics and song by The Pussycat Dolls

Kokopelli is a fertility deity, usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player (often with a huge phallus and feathers or antenna-like protrusions on his head), who has been venerated by some Native American cultures in the Southwestern United States. Like most fertility deities, Kokopelli presides over both childbirth and agriculture. He is also a trickster god and represents the spirit of music.