Rambling Woman


I thought “that would make for a great blog.” I do try so hard to stay positive, does no good to be negative.

Thinking about my mama and dad again…

 Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz
 Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz
 Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz
 Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

Copyright ©2012~ Cynthia Martz

I was caring for my mama after she had huge fatty tumors removed from both her legs back in 98.
They did both legs at the same time and she was more or less bed ridden for almost a year. The doctor butchered her legs. Huge indentations were left after she finally healed from the inside out. No stitches to close the wounds because the doctor feared infection.

It was nasty, and I did my best. Then my dad got really sick at the same time and went into a diabetic coma. Mama was unable to get up, she had to lay on her back day and night out. The honey I found in the cupboard was crystallized and I was in a panic.

After that, a few years later 2000 he had another heart attack and was in the operating room and decided he changed his mind. He died 6 months later after the doctor told him he had maybe 3-6 months too get his affairs in order. My mama lived 3 years longer and died immediately after so-called successful open heart surgery. She had a weak heart from having Scarlet Fever when she was young. It killed her three-year old sister and left her other sister deaf.

Yes,the smell of jasmine and the flower Plumeria they use in Nag Champa incense, frangipani, that’s it.
I love Nag

Years after I returned from Europe…I wrote my story called ” Jasmine Remains” It was about living in Tangier for 9 months…Rhea was going on 3. Her dad spent 8 weeks in a Kasbah prison overlooking Barbara Hutton’s palace. We partied at Baba’s…the Rolling Stones hangout.

Of course they were not there when we were in 1971. Hell of a journey. A fortune-teller told me I brought back 7 spirits with me. With the stuff that has happened too me I think she was probably right. She said some were good, some were bad and some had the potential to kill me.

Scorpio’s go through the fire so many times, and we rise.

Narcissism is alive and well.

Yummy, marshmallow peeps; purple too.

Dinner was so good. Still eating Easter leftovers.

Well, I just ate the new creamy no high fructose peanut butter. It was really good. I don’t like most natural peanut butters, too thick and the oil has to be stirred. Not this one. It gets Kudos.
They didn’t go over so well with the sugar high of peeps.

That CS5 is complicated too me. I just keep designing photography, I really need to get out more 🙂

Second star to the right straight on till morning…

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One Brief Moment – Permutations in Impermanence


Graphic~feenix rizing by Alexander Levich
Graphic~feenix_rizing by Alexander Levich

I finally found a blog that is like looking in a mirror…
in other words I see myself.

All her posts will have you doing many things….laughing hysterically,shaking your head in agreement, or just plain enjoying the simplicity of it.

The blogger said ” In Castaway, I believed in the pain in losing Wilson. It was much, much more than a soccer ball. He lost in order to gain something incredible. A pair of wings. I too have gained through loss and then rise like a phoenix from the ashes.”

The blog is no longer available.

 

Maybe I am a Cat???


Never one for the blame game.And what if’s…
But…having been raised by a very strict Jehovah’s Witness mother and a father who lived for (John Birch Society).I felt the war going on between them and of course it effected me.
My mother was taught old school and when she started studying with the Witlesses;all the fun things I wanted too do were forbidden.
They were the so-called bad things and would lead me down the pathways of destruction.

Naturally I rebelled…made my bed in all the wrong places so to speak.

I had few female friends but an abundance of male.

My life now that I am older,retired from the work mania; I find I am at a place of serenity and acceptance of myself with MOST of my idiosyncrasy’s acknowledged and dealt with.
I take more time letting people into my life.They have to show me there worthy of knowing me.

I’ve kissed far too many frogs looking for my perfect prince,and ya know I now realize he most likely doesn’t even exist.

I was thinking today…out of all the things I may think I miss,it most likely is kissing someone passionately and feeling love.

For now the unconditional love of my animals seem to be enough for me.

Maybe I have become a cat????

I remind myself of a cat…since I retired

Human have lots to learn from our pets.
They live life in the present, no drama, no muss, and no fuss.
Maybe some fuss but completely on their terms.
That is because animals don’t care what others think about them.

They spontaneously do what makes them happy at that very moment, eat when they are hungry, sleep anywhere at any time, and ask when they want affection. all the “coulds”, “shoulds”, and “what ifs” don’t exist.

Take time to enjoy sunbeams chasing the shadows

Be finicky. Why eat something unless you are 100% positive you are going to enjoy it?

Take lots of naps.

Don’t hold grudges. In multi-cat households, smack downs happen all the time, but just a little while later, there we are curled up together.

Why is it so hard for humans to do that?

Don’t dwell on illness. We cats rarely let on when we are feeling unwell, unless it is something important. That’s because we know it’s boring to complain endlessly about minor aches and pains.

Groom frequently, but do it for the right reasons. When we cats bathe ourselves, we aren’t trying to impress anyone. We are doing it for the sheer pleasure of looking good.

Stretch! It keeps you supple and limber. You may not need to sleep curled up into a little ball, but wouldn’t it be nice to be able to if you ever had the desire?

Sleep as much as humanly possible.

Relax and find a way to be comfortable at all times.

Groom several times a day by taking frequent showers, shaving and brushing your hair.

Play regularly.

Make others work hard to become your friend.

To act like a cat in the attitude department, don’t be overly nice to everyone you meet, but instead make them work a bit to prove themselves before you allow them into your life.

Everybody Has a Shadow Story to Tell


I have been going through a lot of my own issues concerning how my life evolved and decisions I made along the way.

My shadow side still tries me at times…it’s not a place I like to dwell in.

Excerpt:taken from About the Shadow

“Another way to spot your shadows is to look for things you find yourself doing by accident. No matter how hard you try to keep your bag sealed, your shadows may leak out in a way that seems beyond your control. For example, you may promise yourself that you’re going to spend more time with your family, when you actually spend more time at work. You may find yourself jumping into a questionable relationship, when you know that this person isn’t right for you. You may ignore your own rules about eating, smoking or drinking. When you repeat a pattern of behavior involuntarily, it is a sign that your shadow is running the show

I have been keeping notes on sub conscious thoughts.My Shadow Cards…tools for self-refection and revealing the unconscious.

I was a very manipulative stubborn person growing up and it seemed to escalate into my marriages and divorces.

There were times when because of religious beliefs (Jehovah’s Witness) on my mama’s part she completely cut me out…the longest time was for 12 years.During this time Rhea,her dad and I traveled to Europe (1971) and lived in Tangier for nearly a year.

No one knew our where a bouts except a select few and my parents were not among the select.

Years later she told me that everyday she was concerned if we were well,alive or dead…if we were warm and had enough to eat.Today I feel bad that I worried her like that,I can only say I must have had extreme issues my self to show so little love and compassion for her.
It was like I wanted to make her suffer as she had made me feel so unwanted and unloved.

Today I am so on the unconditional love…and try not to judge another unless I have walked there walk,in their shoes so too speak.

My mama died in 2004, my dad in 2001. They were both 79.Married for 56 years.

I told my daughter yesterday I wished I could talk too Mama.
We went too Snipes and I wore my mama’s sun hat.She was with me all day.The moments were like epiphanies.

My daughter was crying and so emotionally bankrupt last evening when she returned home.

What a mess.

I tell her she has HER LIFE.

I mentioned people do the best they can with what they have at the time.

I look at her and see an emotional empty 16-year-old. The one that (her husband) found and took under his wing for 23 years. The children came and she poured every bit of her being into them.
Now the kids are grown and live on their own.
She is separated but has no plans.The kids moved on with there lives.
The kids are striving yet thriving.My granddaughter (21) is a CMA (Certified Medical Assistant).My Grandson works full-time,he is 25.
I thought bringing her here she would possibly see the beauty in life again.
I wanted her to see the beautiful, smart and strong woman who is hiding from her.

Everyone has a story, issues.

Everyone perceives them in their own way.

It is YOU that has to work through them, facing head on and dissolving the conflicts.

Letting Go~20 Seconds to Comply


I made some decisions last year. I reminded myself that I had options. Which door would I choose?

1.Remove myself from the situation

2.Change it

3.Accept it.

These acts create happiness; holding bitterness never does.

I chose door number 1.

This may seem harsh and judgmental, but many of us do not really know our deepest self, our deepest identity, and even who our real friends are. Please consider this statement carefully.

I have not seen or had a conversation with them since last April for the female and December for the male. I took time out of my life to be there unconditionally.

The former female acquaintance had a habit of belittling me; and telling me I talked too much. She said my stories were old.
Numerous times I was told too shut up and get out of their house.

I have let them go and allowed them space to be.

The male had a bad habit of collecting hearts which in turn produced children. He continuously assured me he loved me and only me.

I appreciate the lesson that I was taught by their erratic behavior towards me.

It has been very challenging to go about this conflict in this way, which I chose for myself.

It was a time of great intensity and I have needed much strength to keep at it until I felt I was through.

I can finally say with utmost sincerity “I Am Done”

To any body who chooses to go on this path the rewards are incredible, as to find inner peace of such depth is worth all the pain.

Letting go does not just propel you in any other direction. It is just a total and repeated nothingness.You are emptying the mind and the emotions so that something else can come in and show you your way.

This peace within, or your lack thereof, always affects those around you. When you choose peace within, others see that they too have this choice. This is a wonderful gift. Open daily.

However, if you continue to be caught up in outer events and tied to your past traumas, anger and resentments, you will keep those around you somewhat caught up as well.

If your presence didn’t make an impact in someone’s life, your absence won’t either!
Give the gift of your absence to those who do not appreciate your presence.

Things happen…it pains us.
Sometimes it is the pain that makes US realize the change that needs to occur.
Sometimes the pain of all the hurts has too be “Let Go”

You might wonder why some persons are so verbally abusive, judgmental, insulting and at times just plain mean and hateful. Why do we even bother ?

Just think of them as sandpaper.
They may scratch you and rub you in the wrong way but eventually you will be polished and smooth.
The sandpaper on the other hand will be …of no relevance

I moved on. I will not allow that behavior in my life from anyone ever again.

There should be more sincerity and heart in human relations, more silence and simplicity in our interactions.

Be rude when you’re angry, laugh when something is funny, and answer when you’re asked.

A poem my sister sent me years ago on Letting Go.

“Letting Go”

As children bring their broken toys with

tears for US to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to you because

you are my friend

But instead of leaving YOU in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help him in ways that were my own.

At last,I snatched them back and cried,

” How could you be so slow???”

” My child,” he/she said.

“What could I do? YOU NEVER DID LET GO”

Jus Saying

A Good Companion is sometimes hard to find, where it used to be a hard man is good too find


CLICK PICTURE FOR LARGER VIEW

This was a commissioned oil painting I had done in 2009. I was 60 at the time.

I woke early today and stared at my oil portrait. I started asking it questions. I know I’m weird sometimes.

Wanting answers to why I always chose men in my life that either loved me too much or not enough.

Men that could not keep their dicks in their pants for one reason or the other. They always felt the grass had to be greener on the other side.
Like the monkey on a limb, they would not let go until they had a firm hold on someone new.

Like the saying goes “One thing leads to another”

I have been there.

I am far from perfect.

I wanted a man in my life that could fulfill 3 things.

  • 1.  Intellect which also consisted of trust, honesty, compassion.
  • 2.  A need to be physically spent
  • 3.  If at all a feasible an option of being financially stable.

Most of these 3 options have eluded me throughout my life.

Then I really looked at the portrait staring so intently back at me.

I realized that the three options needed revisions.

  • 1. A Good Companion is sometimes hard to find, where it used to be a hard man is good too find
  • 2. Exercise~Taking care of myself physically and mentally
  • 3.  Making do with what I have too work with. (Not looking for someone to take care of me)

It’s not so much about getting ‘Laid” anymore.

It’s all about how laid back you are 🙂

Health~Wealth~Abundance and Time too Enjoy.

Most persons who know me would describe me as a very compulsive personality with a need to be always right.

At least a person who got the last word in whether it be right or wrong.

Most likely it could be said that throughout my life I did pretty much what I wanted.
At times I have been known to be very hard-headed, very stubborn and set in my way. I did not care about consequence of action.

According to this quote and my dad always saying it…
“A hard head makes a soft behind” ~goes years back from when children would be stubborn (or) hard-headed and disobey their parents in which case they got spankings (aka) a soft behind.”

This has gotten me in many holes in the sidewalk so too speak.

There’s a Hole in my Sidewalk
by Portia Nelson

I. I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am LOST…I am HELPLESS
It isn’t my FAULT.
It takes forever to find my way out.
II. I walk down the street
There is a deep HOLE in the sidewalk
I pretend I don’t see it
I FALL in again…
I can’t believe I’m in the same place
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.I walk down the same street
There is a deep HOLE in the sidewalk
I see it is there
I see it is there.
I still FALL in…it’s a HABIT…but my eyes are open
I KNOW where I am
It is my FAULT
I GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.

IV. I walk down the same street
There is a deep HOLE in the sidewalk
I WALK AROUND IT.
V. I WALK DOWN ANOTHER STREET!!!:)

After rereading I wrote this on 3/7/11

My path has been one of many highs and lows. Unforeseen pebbles and at times boulders strewn in front of me.

I fell in many holes in my side-walk of discovery.

I chose to get out, to avoid those holes.

I was involved with some for the wrong reasons~ Now I am not involved for the right reasons

There are no Holes in my sidewalk.

Fall into enough of the holes in the sidewalks of life and you may become whole.
Through the lessons of the holes of life, you approach wholeness.
Becoming whole means striving to be all that you can be. All potentialities are explored.
You know what you do, and why you do it.
Choices are made, and you are responsible for these choices.
The holes in the sidewalk are actually invitations to grow.

I have also been very determined to get out, to crawl if need be.

My home life in the early years was very inconsistent.
My parents never seemed to be in agreement on many things.
This resulted in my tendency to not make any decisions.

My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, my Dad was very much into the John Birch Society. My grandparents were Freemasons.

I started out with “The Flow” “Anyway the Wind blows”, this has stuck with me throughout life.
Never a plan so too speak.

I married and had my only child at 19 years of age. She is an adult now with her own issues concerning how her parents raised her.

This thing called “Life” is what happens. It happens to all of us, some sooner than others.

The journey, the realizations, the questions of immortality never seem to come to some. Others, it seems like a light has went off and it has lit up everything that was hidden away in the darkness.

Looking at my portrait, I see someone saying “Can you really see me ?”

Do you know that suffering of any person or animal brings tears to my eyes ?

Do you realize how much I care for the person who is down and seemingly out ?

Is it apparent too you how I do put myself in another’s shoes and walk there walk on many occasions ?

That’s the way it is.

My parents raised me the best they could with the light they had to see with.

Knowing when too Hold and when to Fold.

I also have to ask myself why I was so insecure in recent years ?

I have little respect if any when persons insist I be there cup of tea or else.

After all I have my own thoughts and feelings, I do not need anyone else’s.

Invalidation, is what I am talking about and some do not get it.

Meaning:

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone’s feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.

I am thankful for the lessons learned.

2Cynthia_Sig_Aqua copy

Thankful for Many Things


Today has been an interesting day one of many thoughts and happenings.

Today I was thankful that I had been raised both frugally and lavishly.It taught me many life lessons.I can turn a dime and I can pinch one.

The saying used to be a penny but you know inflation and all.

During my childhood we lived in a four room home with no running water and no indoor plumbing.It effected me.I was 12.

I wrote this poem and called it “Tin Roof”.I often wondered what could have possibly been hidden from myself,in the dark recesses of my mind that perhaps I didn’t want to recall.

“If these walls could talk what would they say
Would we hear the laughter, see the tears
Would we hear secrets
Spoken in whispers of days past
Would we see our daydreams and imaginations
Take flight into the night
Would our dreams come true like they did in the rooms
The rain is falling,
Teardrops on the tin roof
The tiger is trying to get through the window
When I wake there is blood on my arm
Was it the torn and broken window screen,
What was I fighting ?”

and also this poem.It came to me when I was thinking about my parents,religion and my rebellion.

CHOSEN WAYS
“From a dream these thoughts arose and upon arising finding pens and paper I began this prose.
Life in almost every instance is chosen.
Not at the moment of birth but from each moment henceforth.
You have control of your world and surroundings.
Your Chosen Ways
In the first years, you in a sense control your parents.
They feed, dry, and clothe you when you cry.
Then in your teens they try to almost no avail to control you because after all it’s your life.
Your Chosen Ways
As you find your way into the world, you and your Chosen Ways find joy, happiness, pain, depression, and helplessness.
You swim at times, others have sought your Chosen Ways.
You sink at times under the influence of there Chosen Ways.
In the name of love, you destroy your lovingness with drugs and alcohol.
In the name of faith you lose your parents love for twelve years of your Chosen life.
Your Chosen Ways
You wander aimlessly, seemingly without purpose, chasing an elusive butterfly for years.
Live in shelters, on the street
Not missing a beat.
You submerge yourself in self destructive Chosen ways with the same Chosen people
You are a product of your parents, and there parents and on and on and there Chosen Ways
You want, you don’t want.
You laugh, then cry as if the milk spilled or your cup is well filled
Your Chosen Ways
One day after living this Chosen life for so many DAYS OF YOUR LIFE, you get hit as if from a thunderbolt.
You begin to smell the roses, the wetness on the rose petals from recent rain.
THE CLARITY
There is No Right way, nor is there a Wrong way.
You awaken with light in your eyes and joy in your heart.
It is after all,
Your Chosen Ways.”
written by Cyndi
October 2nd,1999
Copyright

I can remember my mama making us rice and beans days in a row.Turn that around and add a stroke of abundance.
My father was a hustler.
That entailed a hard day’s work or perhaps a win at the local pool hall…My dad would say bring on the steaks.

I don’t remember ever going to bed hungry.I always was warm in the winter with two stoves to warm us.One was an electric gas stove,the other a kitchen wood burning stove.

I took nothing for granted because I knew of nothing better.

The outdoors no matter what the weather was my refuge.

Trees made to climb with nature designed limbs to get you to the top.

Creeks to wade in during the hot summers and skate on in the frozen winters.

Perfect sled runs down hills and hills of freshly fallen snow packed by my Uncle’s snow plow and a drizzle of frozen rain.

Igloo’s of snow built into the side banks next to Grandma’s house.

Croquet in the yard in the summer time with plenty of sweet Maryland iced tea to satisfy a thirst.

The smells of apple butter and apple cider being made at Butchering time.I can still see the huge vats of pig fat being made into cooking lard.The smoke wafting into the hot putrid air from the remnants of the slaughter.Preparing the humongous slabs of sugar-cured bacon and other parts too be cured in the smoke house.

Perhaps my dreams will take me back tonight.