One Brief Moment – Permutations in Impermanence


Graphic~feenix rizing by Alexander Levich
Graphic~feenix_rizing by Alexander Levich

I finally found a blog that is like looking in a mirror…
in other words I see myself.

All her posts will have you doing many things….laughing hysterically,shaking your head in agreement, or just plain enjoying the simplicity of it.

The blogger said ” In Castaway, I believed in the pain in losing Wilson. It was much, much more than a soccer ball. He lost in order to gain something incredible. A pair of wings. I too have gained through loss and then rise like a phoenix from the ashes.”

The blog is no longer available.

 

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Maybe I am a Cat???


Never one for the blame game.And what if’s…
But…having been raised by a very strict Jehovah’s Witness mother and a father who lived for (John Birch Society).I felt the war going on between them and of course it effected me.
My mother was taught old school and when she started studying with the Witlesses;all the fun things I wanted too do were forbidden.
They were the so-called bad things and would lead me down the pathways of destruction.

Naturally I rebelled…made my bed in all the wrong places so to speak.

I had few female friends but an abundance of male.

My life now that I am older,retired from the work mania; I find I am at a place of serenity and acceptance of myself with MOST of my idiosyncrasy’s acknowledged and dealt with.
I take more time letting people into my life.They have to show me there worthy of knowing me.

I’ve kissed far too many frogs looking for my perfect prince,and ya know I now realize he most likely doesn’t even exist.

I was thinking today…out of all the things I may think I miss,it most likely is kissing someone passionately and feeling love.

For now the unconditional love of my animals seem to be enough for me.

Maybe I have become a cat????

I remind myself of a cat…since I retired

Human have lots to learn from our pets.
They live life in the present, no drama, no muss, and no fuss.
Maybe some fuss but completely on their terms.
That is because animals don’t care what others think about them.

They spontaneously do what makes them happy at that very moment, eat when they are hungry, sleep anywhere at any time, and ask when they want affection. all the “coulds”, “shoulds”, and “what ifs” don’t exist.

Take time to enjoy sunbeams chasing the shadows

Be finicky. Why eat something unless you are 100% positive you are going to enjoy it?

Take lots of naps.

Don’t hold grudges. In multi-cat households, smack downs happen all the time, but just a little while later, there we are curled up together.

Why is it so hard for humans to do that?

Don’t dwell on illness. We cats rarely let on when we are feeling unwell, unless it is something important. That’s because we know it’s boring to complain endlessly about minor aches and pains.

Groom frequently, but do it for the right reasons. When we cats bathe ourselves, we aren’t trying to impress anyone. We are doing it for the sheer pleasure of looking good.

Stretch! It keeps you supple and limber. You may not need to sleep curled up into a little ball, but wouldn’t it be nice to be able to if you ever had the desire?

Sleep as much as humanly possible.

Relax and find a way to be comfortable at all times.

Groom several times a day by taking frequent showers, shaving and brushing your hair.

Play regularly.

Make others work hard to become your friend.

To act like a cat in the attitude department, don’t be overly nice to everyone you meet, but instead make them work a bit to prove themselves before you allow them into your life.

Letting Go~20 Seconds to Comply


I made some decisions last year. I reminded myself that I had options. Which door would I choose?

1.Remove myself from the situation

2.Change it

3.Accept it.

These acts create happiness; holding bitterness never does.

I chose door number 1.

This may seem harsh and judgmental, but many of us do not really know our deepest self, our deepest identity, and even who our real friends are. Please consider this statement carefully.

I have not seen or had a conversation with them since last April for the female and December for the male. I took time out of my life to be there unconditionally.

The former female acquaintance had a habit of belittling me; and telling me I talked too much. She said my stories were old.
Numerous times I was told too shut up and get out of their house.

I have let them go and allowed them space to be.

The male had a bad habit of collecting hearts which in turn produced children. He continuously assured me he loved me and only me.

I appreciate the lesson that I was taught by their erratic behavior towards me.

It has been very challenging to go about this conflict in this way, which I chose for myself.

It was a time of great intensity and I have needed much strength to keep at it until I felt I was through.

I can finally say with utmost sincerity “I Am Done”

To any body who chooses to go on this path the rewards are incredible, as to find inner peace of such depth is worth all the pain.

Letting go does not just propel you in any other direction. It is just a total and repeated nothingness.You are emptying the mind and the emotions so that something else can come in and show you your way.

This peace within, or your lack thereof, always affects those around you. When you choose peace within, others see that they too have this choice. This is a wonderful gift. Open daily.

However, if you continue to be caught up in outer events and tied to your past traumas, anger and resentments, you will keep those around you somewhat caught up as well.

If your presence didn’t make an impact in someone’s life, your absence won’t either!
Give the gift of your absence to those who do not appreciate your presence.

Things happen…it pains us.
Sometimes it is the pain that makes US realize the change that needs to occur.
Sometimes the pain of all the hurts has too be “Let Go”

You might wonder why some persons are so verbally abusive, judgmental, insulting and at times just plain mean and hateful. Why do we even bother ?

Just think of them as sandpaper.
They may scratch you and rub you in the wrong way but eventually you will be polished and smooth.
The sandpaper on the other hand will be …of no relevance

I moved on. I will not allow that behavior in my life from anyone ever again.

There should be more sincerity and heart in human relations, more silence and simplicity in our interactions.

Be rude when you’re angry, laugh when something is funny, and answer when you’re asked.

A poem my sister sent me years ago on Letting Go.

“Letting Go”

As children bring their broken toys with

tears for US to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to you because

you are my friend

But instead of leaving YOU in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help him in ways that were my own.

At last,I snatched them back and cried,

” How could you be so slow???”

” My child,” he/she said.

“What could I do? YOU NEVER DID LET GO”

Jus Saying

A Good Companion is sometimes hard to find, where it used to be a hard man is good too find


CLICK PICTURE FOR LARGER VIEW

This was a commissioned oil painting I had done in 2009. I was 60 at the time.

I woke early today and stared at my oil portrait. I started asking it questions. I know I’m weird sometimes.

Wanting answers to why I always chose men in my life that either loved me too much or not enough.

Men that could not keep their dicks in their pants for one reason or the other. They always felt the grass had to be greener on the other side.
Like the monkey on a limb, they would not let go until they had a firm hold on someone new.

Like the saying goes “One thing leads to another”

I have been there.

I am far from perfect.

I wanted a man in my life that could fulfill 3 things.

  • 1.  Intellect which also consisted of trust, honesty, compassion.
  • 2.  A need to be physically spent
  • 3.  If at all a feasible an option of being financially stable.

Most of these 3 options have eluded me throughout my life.

Then I really looked at the portrait staring so intently back at me.

I realized that the three options needed revisions.

  • 1. A Good Companion is sometimes hard to find, where it used to be a hard man is good too find
  • 2. Exercise~Taking care of myself physically and mentally
  • 3.  Making do with what I have too work with. (Not looking for someone to take care of me)

It’s not so much about getting ‘Laid” anymore.

It’s all about how laid back you are 🙂

Health~Wealth~Abundance and Time too Enjoy.

Most persons who know me would describe me as a very compulsive personality with a need to be always right.

At least a person who got the last word in whether it be right or wrong.

Most likely it could be said that throughout my life I did pretty much what I wanted.
At times I have been known to be very hard-headed, very stubborn and set in my way. I did not care about consequence of action.

According to this quote and my dad always saying it…
“A hard head makes a soft behind” ~goes years back from when children would be stubborn (or) hard-headed and disobey their parents in which case they got spankings (aka) a soft behind.”

This has gotten me in many holes in the sidewalk so too speak.

There’s a Hole in my Sidewalk
by Portia Nelson

I. I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am LOST…I am HELPLESS
It isn’t my FAULT.
It takes forever to find my way out.
II. I walk down the street
There is a deep HOLE in the sidewalk
I pretend I don’t see it
I FALL in again…
I can’t believe I’m in the same place
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.I walk down the same street
There is a deep HOLE in the sidewalk
I see it is there
I see it is there.
I still FALL in…it’s a HABIT…but my eyes are open
I KNOW where I am
It is my FAULT
I GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.

IV. I walk down the same street
There is a deep HOLE in the sidewalk
I WALK AROUND IT.
V. I WALK DOWN ANOTHER STREET!!!:)

After rereading I wrote this on 3/7/11

My path has been one of many highs and lows. Unforeseen pebbles and at times boulders strewn in front of me.

I fell in many holes in my side-walk of discovery.

I chose to get out, to avoid those holes.

I was involved with some for the wrong reasons~ Now I am not involved for the right reasons

There are no Holes in my sidewalk.

Fall into enough of the holes in the sidewalks of life and you may become whole.
Through the lessons of the holes of life, you approach wholeness.
Becoming whole means striving to be all that you can be. All potentialities are explored.
You know what you do, and why you do it.
Choices are made, and you are responsible for these choices.
The holes in the sidewalk are actually invitations to grow.

I have also been very determined to get out, to crawl if need be.

My home life in the early years was very inconsistent.
My parents never seemed to be in agreement on many things.
This resulted in my tendency to not make any decisions.

My mom was Jehovah’s Witness, my Dad was very much into the John Birch Society. My grandparents were Freemasons.

I started out with “The Flow” “Anyway the Wind blows”, this has stuck with me throughout life.
Never a plan so too speak.

I married and had my only child at 19 years of age. She is an adult now with her own issues concerning how her parents raised her.

This thing called “Life” is what happens. It happens to all of us, some sooner than others.

The journey, the realizations, the questions of immortality never seem to come to some. Others, it seems like a light has went off and it has lit up everything that was hidden away in the darkness.

Looking at my portrait, I see someone saying “Can you really see me ?”

Do you know that suffering of any person or animal brings tears to my eyes ?

Do you realize how much I care for the person who is down and seemingly out ?

Is it apparent too you how I do put myself in another’s shoes and walk there walk on many occasions ?

That’s the way it is.

My parents raised me the best they could with the light they had to see with.

Knowing when too Hold and when to Fold.

I also have to ask myself why I was so insecure in recent years ?

I have little respect if any when persons insist I be there cup of tea or else.

After all I have my own thoughts and feelings, I do not need anyone else’s.

Invalidation, is what I am talking about and some do not get it.

Meaning:

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone’s feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.

I am thankful for the lessons learned.

2Cynthia_Sig_Aqua copy

Thankful for Many Things


Today has been an interesting day one of many thoughts and happenings.

Today I was thankful that I had been raised both frugally and lavishly.It taught me many life lessons.I can turn a dime and I can pinch one.

The saying used to be a penny but you know inflation and all.

During my childhood we lived in a four room home with no running water and no indoor plumbing.It effected me.I was 12.

I wrote this poem and called it “Tin Roof”.I often wondered what could have possibly been hidden from myself,in the dark recesses of my mind that perhaps I didn’t want to recall.

“If these walls could talk what would they say
Would we hear the laughter, see the tears
Would we hear secrets
Spoken in whispers of days past
Would we see our daydreams and imaginations
Take flight into the night
Would our dreams come true like they did in the rooms
The rain is falling,
Teardrops on the tin roof
The tiger is trying to get through the window
When I wake there is blood on my arm
Was it the torn and broken window screen,
What was I fighting ?”

and also this poem.It came to me when I was thinking about my parents,religion and my rebellion.

CHOSEN WAYS
“From a dream these thoughts arose and upon arising finding pens and paper I began this prose.
Life in almost every instance is chosen.
Not at the moment of birth but from each moment henceforth.
You have control of your world and surroundings.
Your Chosen Ways
In the first years, you in a sense control your parents.
They feed, dry, and clothe you when you cry.
Then in your teens they try to almost no avail to control you because after all it’s your life.
Your Chosen Ways
As you find your way into the world, you and your Chosen Ways find joy, happiness, pain, depression, and helplessness.
You swim at times, others have sought your Chosen Ways.
You sink at times under the influence of there Chosen Ways.
In the name of love, you destroy your lovingness with drugs and alcohol.
In the name of faith you lose your parents love for twelve years of your Chosen life.
Your Chosen Ways
You wander aimlessly, seemingly without purpose, chasing an elusive butterfly for years.
Live in shelters, on the street
Not missing a beat.
You submerge yourself in self destructive Chosen ways with the same Chosen people
You are a product of your parents, and there parents and on and on and there Chosen Ways
You want, you don’t want.
You laugh, then cry as if the milk spilled or your cup is well filled
Your Chosen Ways
One day after living this Chosen life for so many DAYS OF YOUR LIFE, you get hit as if from a thunderbolt.
You begin to smell the roses, the wetness on the rose petals from recent rain.
THE CLARITY
There is No Right way, nor is there a Wrong way.
You awaken with light in your eyes and joy in your heart.
It is after all,
Your Chosen Ways.”
written by Cyndi
October 2nd,1999
Copyright

I can remember my mama making us rice and beans days in a row.Turn that around and add a stroke of abundance.
My father was a hustler.
That entailed a hard day’s work or perhaps a win at the local pool hall…My dad would say bring on the steaks.

I don’t remember ever going to bed hungry.I always was warm in the winter with two stoves to warm us.One was an electric gas stove,the other a kitchen wood burning stove.

I took nothing for granted because I knew of nothing better.

The outdoors no matter what the weather was my refuge.

Trees made to climb with nature designed limbs to get you to the top.

Creeks to wade in during the hot summers and skate on in the frozen winters.

Perfect sled runs down hills and hills of freshly fallen snow packed by my Uncle’s snow plow and a drizzle of frozen rain.

Igloo’s of snow built into the side banks next to Grandma’s house.

Croquet in the yard in the summer time with plenty of sweet Maryland iced tea to satisfy a thirst.

The smells of apple butter and apple cider being made at Butchering time.I can still see the huge vats of pig fat being made into cooking lard.The smoke wafting into the hot putrid air from the remnants of the slaughter.Preparing the humongous slabs of sugar-cured bacon and other parts too be cured in the smoke house.

Perhaps my dreams will take me back tonight.

~Om~my poetry


 

Sometimes

Like now I get up,it’s 4 am.Because I can

Sometimes

I stay in bed all day under cover so too speak,turn the phones off and the messenger too,because I feel like it and I can

I put on my night shades and pretend I am in a deep,dark and mysterious cave,I am in my world,my sanctuary

Sometimes

I feel drawn to a full moon on a clear night and look up in wonderment at how bright it is

Stars twinkling off and on like a night switch in the sky

Sometimes

I greet the morning sun as it comes out to play and the moon fades away

Sometimes

I take my shoes off and ride to the beach.I park and walk,feeling the warm sand drift through and in-between my toes

and Listen too the music in my mind

Sometimes I go to the bridge and look into my reflection in the water
I talk to the ripples cascading over the stones

Sometimes

I get melancholy and regret not asking my beloved parents,grandparents questions I can never know the answers to…
they are gone,into the mist,around the bend

Sometimes

I dwell on too many things and know everything has reasons we know not of…

Sometimes

I feel the unconditional love of my animals more then the love of a human heart

and ask WHY?

Sometimes

My dreams are so real,I don’t want to wake

Sometimes

I see the injustice in our world

and ask what makes a wrong ever seem right

Sometimes

I see the simplicity of life

other times I see the strife

they both have IF”S

If we don’t Listen,we can not hear

If we don’t look,we can not see

If we don’t try,we never know

The Lightness of just being

and the “OM” in sOMetimes

by Cynthia

The Journey

I can remember fields of daffodils. We always had them around our little house in the country.

My mama would fill several jars with food coloring . The flowers would magically in our child like innocence transform into a rainbow variety of colors.


“There is no better time than right now.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don’t need money, Love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one’s watching.”

~Jaroldeen Asplund Edwards

 

I can remember fields of daffodils. We always had them around our little house in the country.

My mama would fill several jars with food coloring . The flowers would magically in our child like innocence transform into a rainbow variety of colors.

The Daffodil Principle

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, “Mother, you must come to see the daffodils before they are over.”  I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead “I will come next Tuesday,” I promised a little reluctantly on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and reluctantly I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn’s house I was welcomed by the joyful sounds of happy children. I delightedly hugged and greeted my grandchildren.

“Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in these clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see badly enough to drive another inch!”

My daughter smiled calmly and said, “We drive in this all the time, Mother.”  “Well, you won’t get me back on the road until it clears, and then I’m heading for home!” I assured her.
“But first we’re going to see the daffodils. It’s just a few blocks,” Carolyn said. “I’ll drive. I’m used to this.”
“Carolyn,” I said sternly, “Please turn around.” “It’s all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience.”

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign with an arrow that read, “Daffodil Garden.”  We got out of the car, each took a child’s hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, as we turned a corner, I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight.

It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it over the mountain peak and its surrounding slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns, great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, creamy white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, and saffron and butter yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted in large groups so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue. There were five acres of flowers.

“Who did this?” I asked Carolyn.  “Just one woman,” Carolyn answered. “She lives on the property. That’s her home.” Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house, small and modestly sitting in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house.

On the patio, we saw a poster. “Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking,” was the headline. The first answer was a simple one. “50,000 bulbs,” it read. The second answer was, “One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and one brain.” The third answer was, “Began in 1958.”

For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun, one bulb at a time, to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountaintop. Planting one bulb at a time, year after year, this unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. One day at a time, she had created something of extraordinary magnificence, beauty, and inspiration. The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration.

That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time–often just one baby-step at time–and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world . . .

“It makes me sad in a way,” I admitted to Carolyn. “What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it ‘one bulb at a time’ through all those years? Just think what I might have been able to achieve!”

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. “Start tomorrow,” she said.

She was right. It’s so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, “How can I put this to use today?”

Author – Jaroldeen Asplund Edwards

Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting. . .
Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die. . .

There is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.